Birth Defects Prevention Month

I read somewhere the other day that January is National Birth Defects Prevention Month.  While I had not heard that before, it fits perfectly with the post that I was looking to write today....

2 years ago tomorrow (January 19th) I heard the words no parent wants to hear, "Im sorry, your baby is sick." I will never forget those words as long as I live.  Nor will I forget the look on the nurse practitioners face as she broke the news.  She looked as sick to her stomach as I felt.  I remember the white walls of the tiny office that we were in appeared to be closing in on me.  I remember the feeling of wanting to run away from that room as fast as possible while screaming.  I was screaming on the inside but I couldn't utter a sound on the outside.  I remember holding my husband and sobbing.  I remember waiting for what seemed like forever while the nurse made us an appointment for later that day at the high risk department at U of M.  I remember calling my mom and telling her that there was a problem with the baby.  I remember just wanting my husband to hold me.  I remember calling my in-laws and telling them there was a problem with the baby.  I remember calling my work and telling them that I wouldn't be there for the next few days.  I remember the tone in my bosses voice when he told me to take all the time I needed.  I remember my husband driving us from one hospital to another  while I sobbed.  I remember calling my insurance company to make sure than any tests the new hospital wanted to run would be covered.  I remember getting to the new hospital and wanting my mom.  I remember my mom taking forever to get there...and then when she called me and said she was there but couldn't find the 9th floor.  The reason she couldn't find the 9th floor was because in all of my haste when I called her I forgot to tell her that we were at a different hospital.  I remember the look on my mothers face when she finally got to the right hospital.  She knew exactly how I felt because she had stood in my same shoes just 20 years earlier with my little sister.  I remember the hour long ultrasound that the new hospital did.  I remember watching my baby on the ultrasound machine hoping that it wasn't the last time I'd see her.  I remember the giant needle they stuck in my stomach when they ran the amniocenteses.  I remember hearing the doctor explain to me what Dandy Walker Syndrome was.  I remember the nurse telling me I had until I was 24 weeks to "terminate".  I remember leaving the hospital and trying to find a place to eat with everyone.  I remember almost getting into 3 accidents on the way and eventually giving up on food.  I remember crying myself to sleep in my husbands arms that night.

I remember the 5 weeks of pure hell that followed.  I will never forget 2/23/12 when the nurse told me that she, "had to go get the doctor because there was no heartbeat."

I remember our baby...Bristol Grace.  And I love her!!!

Working retail....the good stuff

So I may have mentioned before, but I work at a retail store.  Half of my job is spent doing back office stuff and the other half is spent working the registers.  Well, one of the hard parts about working the registers while I was pregnant with D was the number of customers who wanted to talk about my pregnancy.  Its not that I didn't want to talk about it, but I was such a nervous mess and most people just didn't get that.  I dreaded the, "is this your first child" question.  Well, over the course of my pregnancy I met a few nice ladies who asked about my pregnancy and then listened when I talked.  The other day one of the customers whom I had spoken with when I was about 8 months pregnant with D came back into the store.  She told me that my story had touched her and that when she left that day she said a prayer for me.  She also told me that when she went to church the next time she asked her fellow church goers to pray for me as well.  She said I was on the prayer list at church for several months.  She asked about D and I showed her photos.  She told me that she and her husband were never able to have children (not for a lack of trying) and that she was always sad about that.  That made me sad...she said that her husband had been gone for a few years now and she missed him dearly.  We talked for a few more minutes (we were REALLY SLOW so there were no other customers in line) and then she was on her way.  Before she left she told me that my story had touched her personally and that she will continue to pray for me and my family.  I thanked her profusely and told her that I hoped to see her again soon......

And after a crazy retail holiday season my faith in humanity has been restored!!!!

PTSD???

Ive heard it said that people who experience loss in their lives can suffer from PTSD....not the kind that people who have been to war suffer from...but a different kind.  And sometimes I wonder if I do too...

I'm not trying to diminish any ones loss, but I think the loss of a child is the worst.  I mean from the moment I've been able to actually understand death Ive always accepted that my parents will die before me.  My dad always used to tell me that I will never understand the love of a child until I have my own.  When we finally got pregnant with Bristol my dad told me that now I will understand the love he has for me.  And then when we lost her.....my whole world crashed.  I know she was only 26 weeks but she was formed perfectly, all the way down to her tiny fingers and toes.  To hold my lifeless body in my arms and know that there was nothing I could do...well, Ive never felt so helpless in my entire life.  

And I am not the same person I was before her....I cry at everything.  From commercials on TV about a cancer drug, or ads for the nearest children's hospital, hell even songs make me cry.  We have a close family friend that my parents have known for years and the dad in that family has stage 4 cancer that has spread to his bones and everywhere in his body.  This will be his last Christmas.  When we were putting up our Christmas tree I couldn't help but cry.....I was thinking that this is the last Christmas that he will ever have....the last time he will see a tree put up....the last time his daughters will hug him on Christmas.  I never thought about things like that before.  

And as I'm getting excited for D's first Christmas I can't help but feel sad over my little one who isn't with us.  And then I feel guilty for being excited....

Tomorrow is the first anniversary of the shooting at the elementary school in Newtown CT.  I cannot imagine being their parents.  Just thinking about it makes me cry.  It also makes me think how, in an instant, life can change forever.  I cannot imagine kissing your kid(s) goodbye and never seeing them again.  But then again that happens all the time....

CD38

Today is CD 38......otherwise known as Im late by 10 days but all pregnancy tests come back negative so where in the hell is AF???  Including this cycle, Ive had exactly 3 weird periods in my entire life.  One back in 10/08 when it just never showed up (I know the month and year because it was the same time as one of my best friends weddings), one in 6/11 (I know this because we were gonna do our first IUI that month but it had to be postponed cuz AF never showed up, and now this month.

Now I was never expecting to get pregnant with baby number 3 so fast so Im not disappointed (though personally Im kinda sick of shelling out money for those damn tests since they never work anyway).  But it does make me wonder if there is an under lying cause for our infertility.  Ive contemplated calling my RE to see whats going on, but I feel if I call them and say that I've had 3 weird cycles in my entire life and I think there may be something wrong with me they may think Im nuts.  It just makes me wonder....what if there really is an under lying cause of our infertility.  I mean the whole "Unexplained" thing is just annoying.  Its like a mystery with no ending.....and I hate that.  There should always be a reason behind everything!!!  And darn it I want to know what that reason is!!!!!

First Birthday as a mom....

My mom and I were talking yesterday about birthdays and how as you get older they just seem like another day.  However, (though Im sure not a single person realizes this) today is my first official birthday as a mom.  At least its the first one I actually feel like a mom for.  I mean in 2011 I was about 12 weeks pregnant with Bristol.  And in 2012 Id already given birth once and was 6 months pregnant with our second.  But 2013 is the first time I feel like a mom.....

Today DH got up with the little one and let me sleep until 8am.  He would have let me sleep longer but I don't sleep any more.  We then dropped my lo off at my parents house and went out to lunch.  He then took me to the fabulous bath store that I love and bought me some fancy soaps.  I love that store.  When I win the lotto I will buy everything from there.  He also got me two beautiful chocolate cupcakes.....the best gift ever.  I now must go and eat them.....for dinner!!!!  :)

I wish I would have.....

I wish I could write a letter to myself on the day we lost Bristol.  There are so many things I wish I could have done differently......

I wish I would have taken more pictures.  At the time pictures seemed like the most macabre thing in the world.  Why in the hell would I want pictures of my baby who was gone???  But now those 5 photos I have that the hospital nurses took are the only 5 photos I will ever have of my baby.  I wish I could have held her longer.  I guess I didn't realize that I really would never see her again.  I wish I would have kissed her instead of being too afraid to touch her.  I wish I would have studied every inch of her body.  I wish I would have told her just one more time that mommy loves her......

As I sit here and watch her brother play Im stuck with the feeling I have several times a day....if she was here he wouldn't be.  That is such an all encompassing thought that sometimes I cannot even grasp it...now, every night before we go to bed I tell her brother all about his guardian angel.

TTC Continues....

So when DH and I started TTC again I told myself that this was just going to be fun.  If it happened it happened and if not then thats ok too.  I wasn't going to make myself crazy charting my BBT every morning.  We were just gonna do the deed and see what happened.  Then, as the time for AF came close it occurred to me that I didn't even really know when she was supposed to show up.  So I bought an app to track her.....I think that was the beginning of the end.  Im now tracking my CM and days we do the deed too (sorry for the TMI).  Its scheduled sex again too....every other day during my peak times.  Yippie...."Oh sweets, I'm ovulating now so we need to get at it."  I can think of more exciting things to say to my spouse.  When I was 2 days late we tested.....I don't know what I was expecting.  But I must say I was a bit disappointed when the test was negative.

I think the effect IF has had on me as a person is here to stay.  I mean, it doesn't define me....but it has changed me.  I was talking to one of the ladies that I work with who was pregnant with her daughter the same time I was pregnant with Bristol and she mentioned that she wants another kid.  All of a sudden the green eyed monster in me came out (though I didn't let on).  And today she brought her daughter into work and I had a pause for a moment....her daughter is 19 months old.  Bristol was due 2 weeks before she was.  That should be Bristol.  But then it brings me to this thought which I cannot seem to wrap my head around....if she was here then our D wouldn't be.  She isn't gone forever though....she watches over us from up above and one day I will meet her again.  Until then, she is our guardian angel.