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Wednesday, September 21, 2011

T Minus 23 hours???

Well, by this time tomorrow we will know if IUI #3 worked.  The tww seemed to go by faster than I thought it would...though I think thats the only good thing I can say about this tww.  I seem to be lacking in the hope department this time around.  I dont know, maybe it's because we have already had 2 failed IUI procedures, or maybe its because I only had one follicle release an egg even after being on all that medication...but right now I just want to curl up in my dear husbands arms and cry. 

And the term "monthly cycle" has brought on new meaning to me since IF.  Before it was just a term for AF but now it seems like so much more....its like a grieving cycle that never ends.  AF shows up and I am sad (sometimes even devestated), then a few days later I am feeling a little less sad, then there are a few days that I dont really think about IF all that much (except everytime I log on to FB because it seems like 95% of my friends or family have at least one kid under the age of 2), then ovulation and scheduled sex occurs (hey honey, can you pause your Call of Duty game, Im ovulating), then the dreaded tww in which I can go from happy and hopeful to sad and hopless in less than a minute.  And then either AF shows up or I get a call from the RE's office and the process starts all over. 

I think the months in which we have procedures are the hardest for me.  I mean on normal months I am not expecting anything so when AF shows up Im not really surprised or anything.  But when we have had procedures there is more hope and I think that makes the crash at the end that much harder for me.  

I've heard and read that a persons chances of IUI's working level off between tries number 3 and 4 and I think that has me a little more worried about this one.  This is number 3 and if this one doesnt work, why would try number 4 work???  And if IUI doesnt work, than whats to say IVF would work???  I think its that line of thought that has me really scared for tomorrow.....

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Someone Else's Star...

I remember back in high school after many of the breakups that I had with my high school boyfriend thinking that no one would ever love me and that I was doomed to end up alone (yea, I realize how nuts that sounds now) and miserable, that I would be the old lady with 100 cats who lives next door who no one visits cuz they think she is too much of a freak.  I remember wishing that if I could just know that I would end up married to the man of my dreams and life would be ok that I would be able to get through said breakup.  And when I look back on it now.......well, lets just say if I knew then what I know now I wouldn't have spent so much time crying.....

And I bring that up now because I feel the exact same way now about a different topic.  I wish so badly that someone could tell me now how this whole IF thing is gonna play out.  Even if it doesn't end the way I desperately want it to...just to know that my husband and I make it out on the other side happy and leading lives that fulfill us, thats all I need to know.  It would somehow make all of this a little more bearable...

One of my favorite songs from high school (it was my motto song at times) was called Someone Else's Star and though it is talking about wanting to find someone to love the refrain can be applied to IF...

"I guess I must be wishing, on someone else's star.  It seems like someone else keeps getting what Im wishing for.  Why can't I be as lucky as those other people are.  I guess I must be wishing on someone else's star..."

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

T Minus 9 Days and Counting...

So I'd really like to write more than I do, I frequently find myself writing in my head but I have been really busy the last few weeks and so my time to write has been less than normal...

So we had IUI #3 last week....and now we are in the dreaded TWW period.  On the 22nd we will know how this one went (though I am kinda hoping that, if this one did not work that AF just shows up instead of me having to get the call from the office....I hate those calls).  I just dont know how to feel right now.  No matter how hard I try to prepare for bad news, part of me is always hopeful that this month will be different...and then when AF shows up again the grief starts all over again. 

I frequently find myself wondering if it will ever get easier....will it ever not sting so much to be around pregnant people???  Will I ever be able to carry on a conversation with my friends who have babies or are pregnant without being jealous of them???  And it's not like they really complain about it (I am blessed that so many of my friends are very aware and sympathetic to my feelings), just sometimes when the are tired or talking about the cost and such....I cannot help but think that I would literally give my left arm to have what she has.....

I have always loved country music and (yup, I know this sounds wierd) but I am fairly certian that every emotion that I have ever had is best described in a country song.  Randy Houser's song In God's Time is the perfect song for me...kinda like an IF anthem, if you will.....

  Oh, but no one knows
Not you or me
It might be tomorrow or it might never be
Oh, but don't lose faith
Put it in His hands
'Cause it might be that He might have a bigger plan
Than you had in mind
Miracles happen
In God's time

And in God's time
You'll finally get the chance to hold your baby girl
And all the sudden everything'll make sense in this crazy world
In God's time

Yup...I cried the entire way to work after I first heard that one.  :)  I just wish there is a way I could know how this will all work out......