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Monday, March 14, 2016

Day One.....

I remember my first day home like it was yesterday.  I didn't even want to get out of bed that day.  What was my new life going to look like? I decided I was gonna "fake it till I make it".  I got up and got dressed and even put on a little bit of make up.  I fed my boys breakfast even though I was so sick to my stomach I didn't eat.  After breakfast then what?  I got them up and put them in the play area of our family room.  I tried playing with them but it just made me sad.  I kept looking at my kids and thinking, this is my life now.  Every time I looked at our newest edition, Noah, I felt so guilty.  It was my job to take care of him and though I took (and continue to take) the best care of him I can, every time I looked at him I felt nothing.  Not the bond that I felt with my other son, nothing that even remotely resembled that bond.

By the time it was nap time I was ready for a nap too.  Everyone says, that you should sleep when the baby sleeps but that allowed me no time for anything else.  When was I supposed to put the laundry away or clean the house?  I decided to call my friend who I met through work who worked at a different location than I did.  I cried and she listened.  She told me not to worry, that eventually it would be ok.  Would it?  I didn't believe that.  And even if it would eventually be ok, I wanted the OK feeling NOW.

Who was this new person?  I didn't recognize myself.  I think my job had allowed me to hide from these feelings since I didn't have to deal with my boys that much; just for a few hours each evening.  Now, working from home, that identity was gone and I was left with me, the mother who didn't have an ounce of love for her newest son.  And what does that say about me?  I personally know tons of ladies who would do anything for the opportunity just to have one baby, here I have two, and though I know Im blessed I don't feel it.

So started my decent into full blown postpartum depression.....

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