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Friday, August 24, 2012

6 Months and Counting...

Well, today marks 6 months since Bristol left us.  6 months since I held her in my arms for the first and last time....I've been pretty emotional this week, but I think thats pretty understandable.  Yesterday, for the first time in months, I cried at work.  You know, I would think that this would get easier over time, but it doesn't (at least not to me), nope...I just learn to make room for the pain.

When I went back to work on April 9th I remember thinking how hard it was to see the ladies who were pregnant when I was.  How it wasn't fair that their babies were still with them but there I was empty and without my baby.  I got through those first few months by telling myself that once the end of May came, they would have their babies and then looking at them wouldn't be a constant reminder of my loss.  I was wrong though, even now looking at them is a constant reminder of our loss.  It makes me not want to look at these ladies much less talk to them, which is really hard because they are actually really great people.  They even had a conversation with another one of my coworkers about not wanting to make me uncomfortable when I came back to work.

I miss Bristol so much.  I have a lot of regrets for those two days...and Im gonna have to live with those forever.  These regrets might sound grotesque to someone who hasn't been in this position, but they will haunt me always.  I wish I would have taken more photos of her.  I wish I wouldn't have been so scared to touch her and look at her.  I wish I could have held her just a little bit longer.  I wish when I held her that I could have been stronger so that I wasn't so scared to touch her and look at her.  I was just so scared that I made so many mistakes....I just hope that Bristol understands my actions, or at least isn't mad at me for them and knows that I love her more than I could ever say.......

This week marks another milestone, this one a bit happier.....Thursday marked 13 weeks of pregnancy and thus the entrance into the second trimester.  When we went on August 15th baby was measuring at 11wks 5 days which is just where he/she should be.  I've been a lot more sick to my stomach lately, especially the last two mornings.  This morning it was so bad, and personally I think vomiting is the worst when there is nothing actually in your stomach to throw up, that I had the worst thought Ive ever had...sometimes being pregnant is really hard and not fun at all and I don't know why people do it.  Wow, the second that thought popped into my head I instantly regretted it...but how do I take back a thoughts???  What type of person does that make me????  DH and I have been ttc for over 3 years and our first baby was stillborn, and Im blessed enough to get pregnant again and now Im having this thought???  I should be grateful for every moment I have with this baby...Im going to go back to my mantra for the first 8 I am pregnant, I am going to enjoy it, tell my baby I love him/her, and thank God for every day I get with this baby...


Monday, August 13, 2012

Second Freak Out

A new week a new freak out.....

Well, I went to my second high risk appointment this past Friday.  I was scared because it was my first time going to U of M by myself.  I didn't know if I could handle actually being there alone and second (and perhaps a bit weirder) was that I have a crazy fear of parking decks (especially tight ones) and the parking deck at U of M is usually full and the only spots take an expert driver to be able to park in them.  But once I found a parking spot easily I was on my way.  I took the wrong elevators which actually put me right in front of the fetal diagnostic center (which is where we were told that Bristol was gone) and that made my eyes tear up.  Once I made it to the OB clinic, tt was actually pretty uneventful.  I met with the dr who did the quickest ultrasound ever.  We saw the baby (but she didn't do any measurements) and we saw the heartbeat (which was reassuring to me).  Then they sent me on my way.  Everything was going well until this past Saturday...thats when I started to have stomach pains.  They actually feel like gas pains (sorry if you don't want to hear this part) but they hurt and actually cause pain when Im sitting.  But how can I be sure its just gas pains???  What if its something else???  I ended up calling the triage department on Sunday to ask if they have any suggestions.  They told me I can take Gas X and then asked what I had to eat within the last 48 hours.  I told her what I had eaten (standard food for myself) and she laughed and told me that any one of the food groups has been known to cause gas in pregnant women, even stuff that doesn't normally cause gas.  The Gas X has helped a little bit but the pain is still there, thus Im still worried.  I had some random nightmare last night that didn't do anything to help ease my freak out.  Im pretty certain that every random ache or pain from below my boobs to the bottom of my lady bits is gonna freak me out until this baby is born and safely in my arms!!!  And then prolly till Im gone.....

Friday, August 3, 2012

The First Freak Out

Well, its been exactly 1 week since our last dr appointment and I can officially say that I started freaking out today.  I don't think it originally started out as me freaking out, but thats how it ended.  It started this morning at 3:30am when I woke up from a nightmare that Jason Voorhies was chasing we around with a machete and I was trying to kill him but nothing was working (yup, sometimes my love for scary movies bites me in the butt).  I couldn't fall back asleep cuz I was too creeped out so I logged on to FB.  I had received a nice message from a FB friend whose daughter died last month of DWS at 14 months old.  She was congratulating us on our pregnancy and then she said something about her and her husband going to meet with a genetic counselor to discuss the chances of having another baby with DWS.  Well, that didn't make sense to me cuz we were told that while DWS was a genetic problem, it is not something that is passed from parent to child, its actually a mutation in a gene that occurs sporadically shortly after conception.  I don't know why, but I just kept thinking what if it happens again???  What if it actually is passed from parent to child and I'm responsible for making my child sick and thus responsible for why she died???  What if this child has it too???  What if this baby dies too??? What if he/she is disabled???  I know what its like caring for a handicapped child as my youngest sister is severely impaired, but will I be a good enough mom and able to fight for my child???  Then I started thinking about the fact that I am already showing...what if I lose this baby too and then everyone knows that my body fails my babies???  What will people say then???  What will they think of me???  What will my husband say knowing that Im responsible for our babies deaths???  Needless to say my mind has not been my friend today.  All of these what if questions but no real answers...this waiting game is gonna drive me nuts!!!  I am officially 10 weeks 1 day today so that means that in a little under 10 more weeks we should have a much better picture of this baby and if he/she is healthy.  I think if I can make it that far without going completely nuts that will be a significant accomplishment!!!  I talked to DH about this and I feel better now.  I also talked to my bff who is a dr who also helped to put my fears at ease.  But then when one fear is put to ease another one always creeps up...why am I not as sick as I was last time???  I'm sure freaking out is normal, especially with the amount of hormones going through my body.....This is gonna be a long 9 months....I just pray at the end that we are holding our health baby in our arms!!!

I must say though, that I do have an amazing husband.  He told me that the song What Makes You Beautiful by One Direction makes him think of me...that made me cry...

You're insecure, Dont know what for,
You're turning heads when you walk through the door,
Don't need make-up,
To cover up,
Being the way that you are is enough,

Everyone else in the room can see it,
Everyone else but you,

Baby you light up my world like nobody else,
The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed,
But when you smile at the ground it ain't hard to tell,
You don't know,
Oh oh,
You don't know you're beautiful,
If only you saw what I can see,
You'll understand why I want you so desperately,
Right now I'm looking at you and I can't believe,
You don't know,
Oh oh,
You don't know you're beautiful,
Oh oh,
That's what makes you beautiful