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Monday, March 21, 2016

Scary Mommy; Why SAHM get depressed!!!

So there is a website and a FB page called Scary Mommy and I love the site.  They tell it like it is to be a mom.  Some of its funny, some of it sad, and some of it is just reality. Well, today they posted an article that I want to share a link to because it is just SO me.  It literally explains why I've been stuck in this depression.  So Im gonna share the link as well as copy the article because IDK how this will work.

Why SAHMs Get Depressed

sahm depression
monkeybusinessimages / iStock
Life as a SAHM can be a silent one—even with all the toddler-screaming going on around you. Before I became a mom, I worked a fancy, downtown job that pushed me to be better every single day, and I excelled. Before that, my parents pushed me to get into a good college, and to do well in said college, and to find that great, good-paying, downtown job that I would eventually score. In fact, all my life I’ve been pushed, encouraged and shown what doors ambition can open, and though it was hard work getting to where I was, my accomplishments were rewarding. Motherhood isn’t like that.

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I’ve always enjoyed being on my own, running by the lake, writing in journals, doing small projects here and there—individual, quiet tasks. So I didn’t think quitting my job to stay home with my children would be too big a change. I had gotten used to the writer’s solitary life, and I thought I’d be able to keep up on some of my writing projects even with my toddlers at home.
But, no. No, I couldn’t—not at all. And that’s part of it, losing that identity I had as an adult, at a job, a person co-workers went to for advice and help. I no longer had the identity I had created for myself—that I had worked hard to create for myself—but there’s also something else about being at home alone with my children that makes me feel so incredibly lonely. It’s a mix between losing oneself and being in this grey mushy place. It’s in this grey space where the lonely creeps in and starts messing with your head. For me, it’s where my anxiety and depression take over.
Being a SAHM is hard because there isn’t a break from the child-speak, from the children’s world. Many days, there isn’t an outlet other than your spouse, and if you’re like me, you start feeling the need to stop complaining, because, really, what are you complaining about? Isn’t this what you wanted? Asked for even?
My guilty conscience reminds me that my husband is the only one pulling in a paycheck now, who’s going to a stressful job and feeling the weight of his responsibility. What if he were to lose his job? Or, crazy thought, what if he stopped liking his job and wanted to change course? Choosing to have a spouse stay at home traps the both of you into your roles. Does my spouse really want to hear how awful it was trying to set up a playdate today? So I close off that outlet.
When you’re a SAHM with toddlers at home, there aren’t as many activities and playdates to go to as one may think. When the kids are newborns, they sleep a lot, so it’s hard to get them out and about, and you feel like shit anyway, so why bother. When the kids are in their terrible twos and threes, sometimes your child is the crazy child that you’re embarrassed to take places because of the scene most likely to happen (he bit someone, hit someone, threw something, screamed for an hour straight).
The friends you grew up with, who know you for you and love you anyway, they don’t have kids the same ages as yours, so they either don’t get it yet, or are too busy with carpooling to help out. And without family around, there aren’t many sanity breaks, because even if you find a babysitter you trust with your newborn, paying $12 an hour to go buy stuff I think will make me feel more like me just doesn’t make sense.

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I’m told it gets better once the kids go to school, once there are sporting events to attend, once you get some free time to yourself. I can see how meeting other moms helps, as long as you can keep the judgments aside. Basically, once your kids grow up, it’s a whole other ball game, which is great and fine and makes this SAHM-toddler time rather short, and I know it will get better.
One day, I’ll look back on it and wonder what the hell I was worrying about. I’ll probably even miss it. So I keep telling myself to enjoy the small stuff, to pay attention to their cute round faces learning how to speak and laugh and use a fork correctly, because they can be pretty darn cute.

Thursday, March 17, 2016

Day 3

I know I skipped over Day 2 but it was really more of the same as Day 1...

By Day 3 I knew something was really wrong with me.  I couldn't stop crying, I didn't want to do anything but stay in bed all day, I couldn't eat, I didn't want anything to do with my kids, I was having panic attacks all the time, and I couldn't stop having these feelings that I knew I shouldn't have.  I knew I had to do something so I called my OB to get in to see her about Postpartum Depression.  I had read the previous day that it can really kick in around the three month mark and that exactly where I was.  I got in the next day at her office.  She put me on Celexa and Xanax and really listened to me.  She told me I should probably start seeing a therapist and a psychologist who would monitor my meds.

I got home from that appointment and took a Xanax and waited for it to kick in while I called my therapist.  I made an appointment for the following week.  Now I just had to make it that long.

In the mean time these feelings were eating me up inside.  I missed my old job like crazy, I hated being around my kids, I felt zero bond with the newest member even though he was a sweet three month old.

Im going to digress for a moment to say, with my first son, I suffered some PPD but NOTHING like this.  I think I had a few crazy arguments with DH in which I was a total lunatic and now I can't even remember what I was so mad about (Im sorry about that by the way my love).  But this; this was totally different.

With my first son I ordered these custom made monthly milestone onesies and treasured each day I put them on him and took pics.  Since the second baby was also a boy and born the same month it worked out perfectly that the onesies would work for him too.  A bonus because they were like $175 for the lot of them.  With our second son, I had taken pics with the two month one but I was in such a state of depression that for months 3 and 4 I don't have any photos of him wearing these onesies.

Monday, March 14, 2016

Day One.....

I remember my first day home like it was yesterday.  I didn't even want to get out of bed that day.  What was my new life going to look like? I decided I was gonna "fake it till I make it".  I got up and got dressed and even put on a little bit of make up.  I fed my boys breakfast even though I was so sick to my stomach I didn't eat.  After breakfast then what?  I got them up and put them in the play area of our family room.  I tried playing with them but it just made me sad.  I kept looking at my kids and thinking, this is my life now.  Every time I looked at our newest edition, Noah, I felt so guilty.  It was my job to take care of him and though I took (and continue to take) the best care of him I can, every time I looked at him I felt nothing.  Not the bond that I felt with my other son, nothing that even remotely resembled that bond.

By the time it was nap time I was ready for a nap too.  Everyone says, that you should sleep when the baby sleeps but that allowed me no time for anything else.  When was I supposed to put the laundry away or clean the house?  I decided to call my friend who I met through work who worked at a different location than I did.  I cried and she listened.  She told me not to worry, that eventually it would be ok.  Would it?  I didn't believe that.  And even if it would eventually be ok, I wanted the OK feeling NOW.

Who was this new person?  I didn't recognize myself.  I think my job had allowed me to hide from these feelings since I didn't have to deal with my boys that much; just for a few hours each evening.  Now, working from home, that identity was gone and I was left with me, the mother who didn't have an ounce of love for her newest son.  And what does that say about me?  I personally know tons of ladies who would do anything for the opportunity just to have one baby, here I have two, and though I know Im blessed I don't feel it.

So started my decent into full blown postpartum depression.....

Friday, March 4, 2016

I Plan and God Laughs.....

So today I was actually excited, I even did my hair and makeup.  My three year old had his three year check up and then my mom and I were going to take the kids to the Sea Life Aquarium  and then let them play in the middle of the mall at the kids play area, followed by lunch at Rainforest Cafe.  Well, on the way to the dr my three year old got sick.  And I mean really sick.  So I had to take his jacket off before we went into the dr office.  When we got in the office they gave me a bucket and a bag for his clothes.  They called us right back and the nurse helped me to clean him off.  I had an extra pair of paints for him but not an extra shirt.  Now mind you we live in Michigan and its like 27 outside so he cannot go outside with nothing on.  I ended up giving him my sweater (which was brand new and almost down to his toes) and I wore my jacket zipped all the way up so no one could see all I had on was my bra.  Yup, God was laughing...

We went to my moms house which was less than a mile down the road and she had backup tops for him along with a hoodie.  I cleaned out his car seat for about 30 minutes which was enough to make it rideable but it still needs to be taken apart and washed in the washing machine.

Then we went out to lunch.  He drank a little bit of juice while my 1 year old, myself, and mom ate our lunch.  We even met a nice police officer who stopped to talk to the boys.

So that was my morning.....I hope everyone else had a better one, but Im still smiling today.

Thursday, March 3, 2016

A little bit about me.....the PPD side

So I want to explain a few things that will help you understand me and the different things I'm talking about.

First off, my disabled sister lives with my husband, two boys (age 1 and 3), two dogs, and one cat.  She is 24 years old and has Cerebral Palsy as well as severe mental retardation.  She is 24 but functions like a 6 month old.  She requires 24/7 care as far as transferring, feeding, diapering, and she is wheelchair bound.  She cannot talk either.  Currently she goes to school Monday-Friday from 8:30am to 3:15pm.  During the summer it is less but she also goes to a sleep away camp for one week.  It is the only week all year that we as a family are free to do as we choose, at all other times someone must be here with her or we have to take her with us.  She has a caregiver that comes for 8 hours each Saturday and Sunday but right now our current caregiver is out after having foot surgery.  Growing up I had always said that I wanted her to live with us, but I can say now that I don't think I understood the full ramification of what I was saying.  Having her live with us allows me to stay at home with my boys but its a full time job that requires a lot of patients, some of which I don't always have.

I had PPD with our first son.  I was irrational and moody.  I think it got better when I went back to work around 8 weeks but I cannot say for sure.  I remember a terrible fight DH (dear husband) and I got into shortly after D was born about him buying a motorcycle.  I don't really remember the fight but I remember screaming and being so mad I was ready to divorce him (that seems patently absurd to me now).

I tried to breastfeed both times with little success...its really hard and they don't tell you that.  That made me feel like I was failing both times.  I mean they make it seem so easy in the classes and on TV but its really not that easy, at least it wasn't for me.  It wasn't until a phone call from a friend the first time around (about 3 weeks PP) who told me that it was ok if I couldn't do it.  That she made it 6 weeks and when she decided to stop it made her and her baby a lot happier (happy mommy happy baby).

I was terrified about PPD with my second son, but I had no clue what I was about to be in for.......

Hating My New Life

I woke up on May 10th and it was Mothers Day, a day that is always hard for me as I only get to celebrate with two of my three kids.  My husband wasn't feeling well that day so he stayed home and I took my two boys to my moms house to celebrate with my parents and my in-laws.  I went there and had fun for a little while.  We opened presents and I basked in the knowledge that I had two other moms there to help me with my boys.

When we got home a few hours later it was time to feed the boys and get them ready for bed.  With my husband down for the count this is no small task.  Our two year old has speech delays so trying to communicate with him is hard (though its gotten much better over the past year with speech therapy through the school district).  Plus, he is the pickiest eater ever.  When he's throwing a tantrum and I can't help him because I don't know what he wants I just want to cry, I feel like Im failing him.  After a nighttime bottle for the little one and dinner that consisted of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for the 2 year old I got them in their jammies and put them to bed.  My two year old had an "I don't want to brush my teeth," tantrum and I tried to explain why we brush our teeth but in the end he won and I was crying feeling like I failed him......

The next morning, Monday May 11th, was my first day as a SAHM/work from home mom and all I wanted to do was cry.  In fact I did cry most of the day......

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Life and Changes.....

While this blog started out as an infertility and loss blog, as time goes on Ive changed.  Infertility and loss are still a part of my life, as I assume they will be forever, but now as the mother of a 3 year old boy and a one year old boy, Ive found my life has changed and not always for the better.

In May of 2015, when our newest edition was not even 3 months old yet, my husband was given a great opportunity to work for a company he used to work for.  That meant I had to quit my job that Id had for 10.5 years to stay home with my two boys and my disabled sister.  So Im kinda like a Stay At Home Mom/work from home mom because my job is to take care of my disabled sister as well as the kids and the house.  Ill be honest, my husband did this for 2 years and I didn't realize how hard it actually is.

My last day of work I was a mess.  I really liked my job but I was looking forward to staying home with my boys.  I said all my goodbyes, and they even gave me a cake and a card, and I made it all the way to my car before I broke down and cried the whole way home.  For over ten years that had been my identity and now it was changing.

I didn't know it at the time, but along with the change I was experiencing some serious postpartum depression.  All of a sudden I hated my life........

As I continue each day in writing it is my hope that I can help someone who is going through the same things I am...........