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Monday, December 17, 2012

We are all Newtown CT....

Im not going to turn this into a political debate, I dont think now is the time nor do I think my blog is the place for politics (even though I am very politically involved), but I just wanted to say a few words on the tragedy that occurred on Friday in Newtown CT.

I think from the moment a parent gets the positive pregnancy test they begin to dream about their child...what the child will look like, what will their voice sound like, what type of personality they will have.  They also make plans for their child's future...even though there is no guarantee that the future will ever come to be.  Sometimes those futures are taken away in the blink of an eye and you find yourself completly in shock.

I remember the sound of my sobs when I was told Bristol was gone.  And I think that only a mother (no offense dads) can understand those they come from deep inside your body and you just cannot control them.  I was getting ready for work a few weeks ago when DH was watching TV in the bedroom....he was watching an episode of Rescue Me (I know its just a TV show but work with me on this one) and though I had no idea what was going on, when one of the ladies started sobbing I could tell that she had just lost her baby.  I asked DH what was going on and he said that she had just lost her son.

And then you have the grieving process....its a process.  You will never get past it and the pain will never go away, you just learn to make room for the pain as it becomes part of who you are.  You don't let it control you nor does it define you, but it is always there.

I wish there were some magic words that could take these families pain away, but they have to go through it...

Tonight when I go to sleep I will hold DH a little bit closer knowing that all we really have is today!!!

A prayer for the grieving....

Father, I pray for the town of Newtown CT and others in my circle of family and friends who are grieving...

They're hurting for many reasons, and I ask You to help them through this season of loss. I reach out to You, the Father of compassion and the Source of every comfort, asking You to touch them with Your unfailing love and kindness. Be their God who comforts them as they're going through their struggles, and bring them through the tough things ahead. Come alongside them in their pain, and strengthen them so they'll one day be able to help others who face the same struggles. (2 Corinthians 1:3–4; Psalm 33:22; 1 Samuel 20:14a)

You're close to people whose hearts are breaking, those who are discouraged and have given up hope. May You who see their troubles and grief respond when they cry out. (Psalm 34:18; 10:14a, 17)

When they're hurting, help them find their joy in You, for it's Your joy that will be their strength. Help them to trust You as their God of hope. Fill them with Your joy, peace, and hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Help them experience the love, joy, and peace that are the results of His life in them, no matter what they're going through. (Nehemiah 8:10b; Romans 15:13; Galatians 5:22)

May they sense Your presence in this hour of need. In Jesus' name, Amen.

**I am in no way trying to compare my loss to the losses these families face, I just want to offer my thoughts and prayers to victims and their families.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

From Pink to Purple to Blue....

So, the time has finally come for us to paint "the pink room."  

DH is a person who likes to have everything done way before it needs to be...he was never a boy scout but he pretty much lives by the motto, "always be prepared" when it comes to house renovations. So after we found out we were pregnant last time we went to Home Depot and picked out a few different paint colors for the nursery.  Since I am an enormous Winnie the Pooh fan we settled on 2 colors....Piglet Pink for a girl and Eeyore Blue for a boy.  So when we went to our 3D ultrasound in early January that time we found out that we were having a girl...on our way home from the ultrasound DH stopped at Home Depot and bought 2 gallons of Piglet Pink.  Within a few days the room was transformed from a brownish color office to bright Piglet pink nursery complete with valances and the saying, "Always kiss me goodnight" above the bed (I almost thought it was too pink, but I didnt want to tell him that.)  It was a room perfect for a princess.....but a room that she never got to see.  


When we got home from the hospital I kept that door closed for a long time, it just hurt too much to go in there.  It was beautiful and it broke my heart that she was gone and would never actually get to see that room.  We decided that, if we ever got pregnant again, we would keep a small square of the wall pink for Bristol, so that it could be "both" of their rooms.  

When we got pregnant this time we knew that we didnt have to worry about the color to paint it.  If the baby was a girl we would leave it the same, if it was a boy we would paint it Eeyore Blue.  So, when we learned we were having a boy we didnt even bother to look at colors, we knew what we wanted.  So, imagine our disappointment when we walked into Home Depot and they no longer made Eeyore Blue....if we wanted it we would have to find the exact color info online and then they would make it for us.  So, DH googled it and a few seconds later he had the color info...or so he thought.  We had them make the paint and, though it looked a little too purplish for us, we bought it and DH spent an afternoon turning the pink room into a blue room.....except that well, it wasnt was a really pretty shade of purple.  And of course, it was such a pretty shade we purchased 2 cans of the darn stuff!!!  

We decided that the purple just wasnt going to work, so a few days later DH went back to the Home Depot to buy an actual blue paint (one that matched the cute Winnie the Pooh valances we had ordered).  We were pleasantly surprised when they told him that he could return the unused can of purple paint.  And, just a day later we had a blue room.  

That night when I got home from work I was helping DH put up the boarder....and though this boarder was going up easier than the last one, this one was vinyl and it didn't bend like the paper one did.  About halfway through the boarder project I was staring at the opposite wall when it occurred to me that there wasn't a pink square...(Im sure this may seem a bit melodramatic but well, Im hormonal and still grieving) it felt like losing Bristol all over again.  I couldnt breathe and I just started sobbing uncontrollably...the wail of a mother who lost a child.  DH hugged me and asked what was wrong.  It took me a minute to calm down enough to tell him...he told me that he was going to do the pink square but he didnt have a way of making it look nice so he didnt.  Im sure thats probably 1/2 true...but I think part of him was worried that every time Id walk into the room Id get sad.  He told me we still had the pink paint and he'd paint it for me...but that wasnt the point.  I wanted it to be left from when we painted it for painting over the pink it felt like we were painting over her.  

**Im in no way trying to say that DH had anything but the best of intentions when painting the room, but it was hard for me.

I'm doing a little better now, its just so hard.  And I think having a nursery finished makes it even harder on me...if we lose this baby too then we are gonna have a blue room and no baby.  Maybe its just me, but I think losing the baby after the room is complete is harder...its a constant reminder that your baby didnt make it.  It's a beautiful room that I hope he will be able to see in a few months.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

28 Weeks...

This past Thursday was our 28 week appointment.  We had an ultrasound scheduled for 8:30am and the actual dr visit scheduled for 9:10am.  After both appointments I was going to take my glucose test. This was another milestone in the baby growing process as last time we never made it to the glucose test...we were going to take it after our appointment but at said appointment we were told that Bristol was gone and then there was no reason for the test.  We left that bottle of orange stuff on the lunch try when we walked out of the room on 2/25/12.

Thursday was going to be different though, I had checked the heartbeat in the morning and plus he was moving around like crazy so I wasn't worried.  Though I did have great pause when the us tech lead us to the room in which we were told Bristol was gone...I would have requested a different room but I was afraid Id look like a nut.  The ultrasound went well...lo is measuring a week ahead of where he should be and everything looked good.  Everything that is, except the amnionic fluid level. In a normal pregnancy the level should be between 5-25.  Mine was 28...a mild case of polyhydramnios.  Some of these cases are caused by gestational diabetes, some caused for unknown reasons, and some are due to congenital defects.  The us tech told us he was going to meet with the dr to go over the results of the us and then he would be right back (this is normal practice for them).  I thought I was going to die when, a few minutes later, the director of the maternal fetal medicine department (same dr that told us Bristol was gone and sat with us to explain what was going to happen) walked into our room.  This time was different though, she had a smile on her face and she told us that the baby looked good and that she just wanted me to get tested for gestational diabetes.  We told her that we were happy to see her under better circumstances.

The rest of our appointment went well and at 11am I was getting my blood drawn for my gestational diabetes test.  When I called the office back a few hours later they let me know that I had failed the test and they wanted me to do a 3 hour test to get a better picture of what was going on.  So tonight at 10:30pm I am no longer allowed to eat and tomorrow at 8am I will be back at the office for that test.

Im not as worried this time (not that I will actually breathe easy until this lo is in my arms) because he has been moving around like crazy, he is a healthy size, and so far everything is looking normal.  The us tech even took some 3D images for us....(the middle one is actually of me and my brothers new puppy, but my "bump" looks cute and doesnt everyone like puppies??)

Sunday, December 2, 2012

"You should be over it by now..."

Ok, Im going to go on a bit of a rant for a moment....

Yesterday I was told of a conversation that took place in which someone who is really close to my husband and I said that "They should be over it by now, after all I am."

 Now my rant will commence...ARE YOU KIDDING ME???  DH and I tried for 2.5 years to get pregnant....month after month we were met with devastation when AF arrived.  I charted my BBT every morning for over 2 years....we had timed intercourse....we both went through a madrid of tests and answered the most personal questions we have ever had to answer to doctors who were basically complete strangers....I took so many hormones that half the time I didnt know if I wanted to laugh or cry....we endured two failed IUI cycles....and number 3 involved a bunch of at home injections.  When the doctor called to tell us that we were pregnant we were so happy!!!  Over the moon would be the best way to describe it.  And even though I was scared beyond all measure, I started to make plans for our child....would she/he look more like DH or me?  When we found out our baby was a girl around 18 weeks at the 3D ultrasound place we just lost it.....we started to buy things for our daughter and make plans for her.  We picked out a color and a boarder to paint her room.  We even bought bedding and room decorations.  I came home from working one day and DH had her room painted and all set up.  I even bought a pair of PJ's that said Daddy's Princess.  We made plans...

And on January 19th 2012 when the NP walked in to our room and told us that, "there is something wrong with baby," our world came crashing down.  For the longest and most agonizing 5 weeks of our lives we endured test after test (all of which were done on me and some of them were quite painful) and asked every question possible to prepare our selves for raising a special needs daughter.  And NOTHING could have prepared us for February 23rd 2012 when the ultrasound tech said to us, "I am going to get the doctor, there is no heartbeat."  I just wanted to scream and run from the room but I couldn't.

The next 48 hours were the worst 48 hours of my life!!!  To have to give birth to our daughter that we had both wanted so badly knowing that she would not take her first breath...well, its a pain that I dont wish on anyone.  No parent should ever have to burry their child, even if that child was just 26 weeks.  DH and I were devastated!!!!!!!  And that pain, is not something you will ever get over.  A few days after we lost Bristol I read something that said, "The pain of losing a child is not something that will ever go away, you just learn to make room for the pain."  I think that pretty much sums it up....losing Bristol was the hardest thing I have ever been though and it has changed who I am at my core.

This holiday season I have mixed feelings....the holidays are hard for infertile couples who long to have families of their own.  Last holiday season we were dreaming of spending this holiday season with our Daughter.  On Thanksgiving while everyone was busying being happy I couldn't help but think that Bristol should be with us and it should be her first Thanksgiving.

I dare someone to say to me that I should be "over this" by now because I will let them have it.  Like I said, it has changed who I am at my core.  No, it does not define me.  Im not dwelling on my past.  The periods of sadness get further and further apart.  And I hardly cry any more.  I am able to look forward to new things and with each passing day I love Bristol's brother more and more.  With each kick I become even more attached.....and that scares me knowing that no time is ever guaranteed to us.  But I love stronger and deeper since Bristol and I am grateful for that.  And for the chance to spend the few short weeks I had with her.

To anyone who chooses to judge me and say, "I should be over it by now, " you can feel free to take a long walk off a short cliff.  Unless you have had to deal with infertility, a stillbirth, and been exactly in my shoes you have no right to say anything to me.  But for someone who had no problems getting pregnant and who has never had a loss of any kind to say that...well, that hurt worse than any other words that have ever been said to me.

"When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them."