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Friday, December 13, 2013


Ive heard it said that people who experience loss in their lives can suffer from PTSD....not the kind that people who have been to war suffer from...but a different kind.  And sometimes I wonder if I do too...

I'm not trying to diminish any ones loss, but I think the loss of a child is the worst.  I mean from the moment I've been able to actually understand death Ive always accepted that my parents will die before me.  My dad always used to tell me that I will never understand the love of a child until I have my own.  When we finally got pregnant with Bristol my dad told me that now I will understand the love he has for me.  And then when we lost whole world crashed.  I know she was only 26 weeks but she was formed perfectly, all the way down to her tiny fingers and toes.  To hold my lifeless body in my arms and know that there was nothing I could do...well, Ive never felt so helpless in my entire life.  

And I am not the same person I was before her....I cry at everything.  From commercials on TV about a cancer drug, or ads for the nearest children's hospital, hell even songs make me cry.  We have a close family friend that my parents have known for years and the dad in that family has stage 4 cancer that has spread to his bones and everywhere in his body.  This will be his last Christmas.  When we were putting up our Christmas tree I couldn't help but cry.....I was thinking that this is the last Christmas that he will ever have....the last time he will see a tree put up....the last time his daughters will hug him on Christmas.  I never thought about things like that before.  

And as I'm getting excited for D's first Christmas I can't help but feel sad over my little one who isn't with us.  And then I feel guilty for being excited....

Tomorrow is the first anniversary of the shooting at the elementary school in Newtown CT.  I cannot imagine being their parents.  Just thinking about it makes me cry.  It also makes me think how, in an instant, life can change forever.  I cannot imagine kissing your kid(s) goodbye and never seeing them again.  But then again that happens all the time....

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