I wish I would have.....

I wish I could write a letter to myself on the day we lost Bristol.  There are so many things I wish I could have done differently......

I wish I would have taken more pictures.  At the time pictures seemed like the most macabre thing in the world.  Why in the hell would I want pictures of my baby who was gone???  But now those 5 photos I have that the hospital nurses took are the only 5 photos I will ever have of my baby.  I wish I could have held her longer.  I guess I didn't realize that I really would never see her again.  I wish I would have kissed her instead of being too afraid to touch her.  I wish I would have studied every inch of her body.  I wish I would have told her just one more time that mommy loves her......

As I sit here and watch her brother play Im stuck with the feeling I have several times a day....if she was here he wouldn't be.  That is such an all encompassing thought that sometimes I cannot even grasp it...now, every night before we go to bed I tell her brother all about his guardian angel.