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Thursday, November 3, 2011

The Last Month Explained...

Ok, so I realize that its been over a month since my last post but we've been really busy and, like I said before, I dont have as much time to write as I would like. 

On September 22nd I got the call from my RE's office that I had been hoping for but never thought really would happen.  "Well, I have some good news for you."  I think at that point I stopped listening....or rather I couldnt take in anything else.  I think my end of the conversation went something like this, "Really???  Seriously???  Are you sure???"  It took me a few days to realize it was actually happening...I even went out to the store and bought some HPT's so I could see it for myself. 

We then went in for blood work and ultrasounds once a week for 4 weeks.  On the second ultrasound the dr (not my normal one, a sub) was looking for 2 different sacs and when he only saw one he "matter of factily" told me "it might be an early loss."  WTF????  I was an emotional wreck all day until the office called me with my blood work results and when I spoke to the nurse she told me not to worry that everything was all set.  I did voice my displeasure with the way the dr handeled evertyhing in the morning.  They made certain I would never see that doctor again. 

I cannot explain this though...it's like Im in some alternate reality where I am watching all of this stuff happen instead of actually expierencing it.  I thought I woud be automatically happy and excited when in reality all I feel is scared.  I am afraid to really tell anyone.  The few people I have told have told me to relax and enjoy this time.  What I would really like to know is how am I susposed to "relax" when every random ache or pain has me running to google?  Was my bath too hot?  Is this pain normal?  Why am I so cold?  What bout my boobs, are they susposed to feel this way? Ohh, and DH we are not having chicken for the next 9 months cuz it makes me sick (which is actually a benefit for him cuz he has been saying for months that we eat too much chicken). 

And there are not a ton of people that I can talk to either because I really feel like my friends who have had babies dont understand...it didnt take them 2.5 years to get pregnant nor did they have to go through years of tests and 2 failed IUI procedures before the 3rd one worked....

Every night before bed I make the same wish on a star and say the same prayer in hopes that come May 31st we will have a healthy baby in our arms.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

T Minus 23 hours???

Well, by this time tomorrow we will know if IUI #3 worked.  The tww seemed to go by faster than I thought it would...though I think thats the only good thing I can say about this tww.  I seem to be lacking in the hope department this time around.  I dont know, maybe it's because we have already had 2 failed IUI procedures, or maybe its because I only had one follicle release an egg even after being on all that medication...but right now I just want to curl up in my dear husbands arms and cry. 

And the term "monthly cycle" has brought on new meaning to me since IF.  Before it was just a term for AF but now it seems like so much more....its like a grieving cycle that never ends.  AF shows up and I am sad (sometimes even devestated), then a few days later I am feeling a little less sad, then there are a few days that I dont really think about IF all that much (except everytime I log on to FB because it seems like 95% of my friends or family have at least one kid under the age of 2), then ovulation and scheduled sex occurs (hey honey, can you pause your Call of Duty game, Im ovulating), then the dreaded tww in which I can go from happy and hopeful to sad and hopless in less than a minute.  And then either AF shows up or I get a call from the RE's office and the process starts all over. 

I think the months in which we have procedures are the hardest for me.  I mean on normal months I am not expecting anything so when AF shows up Im not really surprised or anything.  But when we have had procedures there is more hope and I think that makes the crash at the end that much harder for me.  

I've heard and read that a persons chances of IUI's working level off between tries number 3 and 4 and I think that has me a little more worried about this one.  This is number 3 and if this one doesnt work, why would try number 4 work???  And if IUI doesnt work, than whats to say IVF would work???  I think its that line of thought that has me really scared for tomorrow.....

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Someone Else's Star...

I remember back in high school after many of the breakups that I had with my high school boyfriend thinking that no one would ever love me and that I was doomed to end up alone (yea, I realize how nuts that sounds now) and miserable, that I would be the old lady with 100 cats who lives next door who no one visits cuz they think she is too much of a freak.  I remember wishing that if I could just know that I would end up married to the man of my dreams and life would be ok that I would be able to get through said breakup.  And when I look back on it now.......well, lets just say if I knew then what I know now I wouldn't have spent so much time crying.....

And I bring that up now because I feel the exact same way now about a different topic.  I wish so badly that someone could tell me now how this whole IF thing is gonna play out.  Even if it doesn't end the way I desperately want it to...just to know that my husband and I make it out on the other side happy and leading lives that fulfill us, thats all I need to know.  It would somehow make all of this a little more bearable...

One of my favorite songs from high school (it was my motto song at times) was called Someone Else's Star and though it is talking about wanting to find someone to love the refrain can be applied to IF...

"I guess I must be wishing, on someone else's star.  It seems like someone else keeps getting what Im wishing for.  Why can't I be as lucky as those other people are.  I guess I must be wishing on someone else's star..."

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

T Minus 9 Days and Counting...

So I'd really like to write more than I do, I frequently find myself writing in my head but I have been really busy the last few weeks and so my time to write has been less than normal...

So we had IUI #3 last week....and now we are in the dreaded TWW period.  On the 22nd we will know how this one went (though I am kinda hoping that, if this one did not work that AF just shows up instead of me having to get the call from the office....I hate those calls).  I just dont know how to feel right now.  No matter how hard I try to prepare for bad news, part of me is always hopeful that this month will be different...and then when AF shows up again the grief starts all over again. 

I frequently find myself wondering if it will ever get easier....will it ever not sting so much to be around pregnant people???  Will I ever be able to carry on a conversation with my friends who have babies or are pregnant without being jealous of them???  And it's not like they really complain about it (I am blessed that so many of my friends are very aware and sympathetic to my feelings), just sometimes when the are tired or talking about the cost and such....I cannot help but think that I would literally give my left arm to have what she has.....

I have always loved country music and (yup, I know this sounds wierd) but I am fairly certian that every emotion that I have ever had is best described in a country song.  Randy Houser's song In God's Time is the perfect song for me...kinda like an IF anthem, if you will.....

  Oh, but no one knows
Not you or me
It might be tomorrow or it might never be
Oh, but don't lose faith
Put it in His hands
'Cause it might be that He might have a bigger plan
Than you had in mind
Miracles happen
In God's time

And in God's time
You'll finally get the chance to hold your baby girl
And all the sudden everything'll make sense in this crazy world
In God's time

Yup...I cried the entire way to work after I first heard that one.  :)  I just wish there is a way I could know how this will all work out......

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Third times a charm???

So as I sit here I am officially on day 4 of my cycle, which will be our thrid IUI attempt.  This is also our first attempt with Follistim, an injectable medication.  For our first two IUI procedures we tried Clomid, but since they both failed we are moving on to a new and hopefully more powerful medication.  I dont really know how I am suspposed to feel...I try to be hopeful, but with two failed attempts behind us I can't shake this nagging feeling of hopelessness. 

Now we are very fortunate that my job provides us with a good health insurance policy which covers a lot of the costs associated with IF but the hoops that I have to jump through to get insurance to cover it is insane.  Most of my probelms have been around getting medication for the procedures.  The clomid was easy, but when I tired to get the Ovidrel filled....well, that was a nightmare!!!  Luckily I now know the tricks with my pharmacy coverage but it tooks many hours (and I do mean hours) of me practically in tears with both my insurance companies and my HR rep to get this sorted out.  I joke about this, but I think that some people can buy illegal drugs easier than I can buy ferility medication. 

I am thinking that this is going to be a really long month of waiting.  My husband was really funny last night though.  He got the pen all ready for the injection and then when he pulled off the cap and saw the needle he looked at me and said, "you want me to stick this where?"  After I shopwed him it took him a few minutes to get up the courage, He kept saying, "I dont think I can stab you with this..."  I found the entire situation kinda funny.  Hopefully tonight will be easier...

On a seperate note, I wonder what part of me is ok with the bizarre form of self torture that I endure every week when I watch The Secret Life of the American Teenager.  A show about a bunch of teenagers getting pregnant when they are clearly not ready to be parents...why would I even want to watch such a show???  I avoid 16 and pregnant and teen mom like the plague but for some reason I am addicted to the Secret Life of the American teenager.  And the funny thing about that, is that now my husband even enjoys the show too :)  Ohh, the things he does for me. 

Friday, August 19, 2011

IF Nut???

Ok, so Im trying to pin point exactly when IF turned me into a hormonal lunatic....

I work at a retail store and about half of the work that I do is in the back office but the other half is on the sales floor as a cashier in which I am forced to deal with customers (most of whom are nice).  And I always find myself glaring at women's bellies if there is even a remote chance that the lady is pregnant.  A couple months back my husband and I were at Target and the girl who was in line 2 people ahead of us looked to be about 16 and was clearly about 7-8 months pregnant....I was glaring at the girl.  My husband (who frequently knows me better than I know myself) said, "What are you doing?"  To which I replied, "Nothing."  He looked at me with a smile on his face and said, "I know what you are doing and you should stop.  Its not nice to stare and it even less nice to stare and think what you are thinking."  When we got into the car I told him that I didn't think it was fair that someone so young (who was clearly still in high school) was pregnant and we (even with the doctors help) cannot get pregnant.  And as the conversation continued I couldn't help but hear my mom in the back of my head saying, "Well, Im sorry but life isn't fair..." as she did so many times when we were growing up.  Boy....was she right!!!

And where did the bitterness/anger/jealousy come from?!?!?!?  Every time I see a new FB post about this family member or that friend from high school being pregnant it sends me into a 20 minute crying fest that ultimately ends with me blocking the person.  I think of all of my friends on FB that have babies or are pregnant I have blocked all but 4 of them.  And that FB app that updates you on the weekly progress of "friends" pregnancies makes me sick!!!  I tried to hide all of those posts but I couldn't figure it out so I ended up just unfriending a few people....

And any time I hear someone complain about being pregnant or a problem of being a new parent I just want to smack them!!!  I wanna say, "Do you realize how lucky you are???  I would do anything to be pregnant."  DH once posted that he was suffering from insomnia and a "friend" responded with, "Just wait till you have a baby...that won't happen any more then."  ARE YOU KIDDING ME???  It took all of my will power not to rip that person a new one!!!

Ohh, and then there are baby showers.  I never knew that something that I once enjoyed could bring me so much pain.  I never knew that diaper cakes and breast pumps could actually make someone cry...

YUP....IF has definitely made me weird!!!

 

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

My First Blog...

Ok, so I have never done this before....but I thought I would give it a try...

I am thinking that I should start out with a little about us...

I am 30 years old and the middle child of 5 kids.  My parents experienced infertility for 6 years and adopted my two older sisters before they had my brother, sister, and I.  I met my husband while working at a retail store 9 years ago.  We started dating on 10/10/03 and less than a year later he asked me to marry him.  We got married on 6/23/06.  We have 2 dogs (a yorkiepoo and a soft coated wheaten) and one cat.  I love my fur babies like kids and lately they seem to be costing me as much too!!!

On 6/9/09, in a grand gesture, my husband flushed my birth control pills down the toilet.  We expected we would be pregnant within a few months.  Then, as AF showed up, month after month I started to get discouraged.  Would it ever happen?  What was wrong with us?  Looking back at it now, I always felt something was "off".  Why wasn't this working???  My husband and I had a lot of fights in these days...I was obsessing about being pregnant...I needed to stop worrying about it.  Then in October my best friend decided that her and her husband were going to start trying.  And just as expected, 4 weeks later, I got the call from her that they were expecting...

This seemed to be the norm for the next year or so, at least once a month we would receive notice that another "friend" was expecting.  Every new announcement would send me into tears...it seemed like everyone was joining this cool new club that I wasn't invited to.  I was waiting for the one year mark to hit so that my dear husband could go to the doctor for a test.  Now, I don't know exactly what I was expecting....part of me thought that once the first year was up we would go to the doctor who would tell us right away what was wrong and once we fixed it we'd be pregnant in no time.  Boy was I wrong.....

My husband and I met with his urologist who told us that everything seemed fine and then ordered the "test".  Wait, I thought we were supposed to have answers now....not just a test.  So we finally decide the date for the test...and (again, I don't know what I was thinking) we have more waiting to do before we can get the results..."the doctor will call you in 5-7 business days."  What???  It's not like the doctor is shipping the results to us via UPS ground.   All he needs to do is pick up the phone and call me for crying out loud!!!  The doctor calls us and tells us that he wants to me with us to discuss the results.  So we get there that day and the doctor (who looks like he is just out of med school maybe) tells us that everything looks fine, we should do another test in a few months, and that I should meet with an RE to have myself checked out.  Whoa....where were the answers???  I thought we were supposed to have answers now?!?!?  So now what, more waiting and more tests???

The RE that we were referred to turned out to be right now the street from where I work and in network.  So I made my appointment for September and waited.  Surely at the RE's office they will be able to give me some answers...When the appointment day got there I really didnt know what to expect.  I picked out my outfit carefully (some bizarre part of me thought that if I looked the part that they would deem me ready to be a parent and somehow that would help our getting pregnant) and went to the office.  We went through a complete medical history and I met with the nurse who would be handling our case and I met with a financial planner.  The doctor told me that she didnt see any cause for concern, that she wanted to run a HSG test and that she thought an IUI would work just fine for us.  What???  Still no answers???  Are you kidding me???

I felt (and still do feel) so unprepared for this.  I dont know what questions to ask the doctors.  What about this test or that medication?  The HSG test went fine and the doctor said that everything looked good.  She said she wanted to do an IUI.  After discussing this with my husband and our insurance we decided we would wait until March of 2011 so that we could save up the required amount of money for the procedure ($600 for the actual procedure, the insurance would cover the medicine, blood work, and ultrasounds).  Suddenly we began to think of everything in terms of the cost of this IUI procedure.  "Honey, we dont need to buy a new couch for $800, thats $200 more than an IUI." 

Then, on December 23rd of 2010 I got some great news...my company had worked with Aetna and would now be covering some of the costs associated with IF when the new plan year started over in May of 2011.  We decided we would wait until May to try our first IUI because that would save us about $500.  We were waiting for my first period after May 1st and then we were gonna do it....really gonna do it.  And of course, it turns out to be the only cycle since we started TTC that was way longer than it should have been. 

Now I dont know what I was expecting, but the whole IUI process is much easier than I thought it would be.  For the first time in over a year I had hope.  And that hope lasted for exactly 14 days...exactly the day that my brother and future sister in law were staying at our house and working on some wedding planning.  When I came down stairs with my eyes all red from crying and they asked me what was wrong.....I just started sobbing.  I dont think I've ever been that upset that AF showed up. 

The following month we did IUI #2.  We were experts by this point.  We knew what to expect & how long everything would take.  We kept hoping that the second time would be a charm...then I went in for my blood work 4 days later.  I got a call from the doctors office telling me that my progesterone levels were low and they were putting me on supplements.  Oh, ok I thought.  Then the nurse tells me that, "though the pills look like oral medication, they are actually inserts..."  "Whoa, wait a minute!  You want me to do what with that pill???"  When AF had not showed up by the time I was susposed to go in for more blood work I was hopeful.  Sadly, that hope lasted about 4 hours....until the nurse called me and told me that the results were negative. 

That is the shortened version of our IF journey so far.  We are waiting to do IUI #3 with injectables (instead of clomid) for a month or so.  We wanted one normal cycle in between and, as it always does, life got in the way (I didnt realize how much ttc takes out of a person until a month "off").  If #3 fails we will seek a second opinion before moving on to IVF. 

I have decided to start this blog as a way to talk through my thoughts...one thing I have learned is that I am not alone in my thoughts and feelings.  The bitter, jealous and angry person that I may sometimes be is normal....and just knowing that helps alot......