I read somewhere the other day that January is National Birth Defects Prevention Month. While I had not heard that before, it fits perfectly with the post that I was looking to write today....
2 years ago tomorrow (January 19th) I heard the words no parent wants to hear, "Im sorry, your baby is sick." I will never forget those words as long as I live. Nor will I forget the look on the nurse practitioners face as she broke the news. She looked as sick to her stomach as I felt. I remember the white walls of the tiny office that we were in appeared to be closing in on me. I remember the feeling of wanting to run away from that room as fast as possible while screaming. I was screaming on the inside but I couldn't utter a sound on the outside. I remember holding my husband and sobbing. I remember waiting for what seemed like forever while the nurse made us an appointment for later that day at the high risk department at U of M. I remember calling my mom and telling her that there was a problem with the baby. I remember just wanting my husband to hold me. I remember calling my in-laws and telling them there was a problem with the baby. I remember calling my work and telling them that I wouldn't be there for the next few days. I remember the tone in my bosses voice when he told me to take all the time I needed. I remember my husband driving us from one hospital to another while I sobbed. I remember calling my insurance company to make sure than any tests the new hospital wanted to run would be covered. I remember getting to the new hospital and wanting my mom. I remember my mom taking forever to get there...and then when she called me and said she was there but couldn't find the 9th floor. The reason she couldn't find the 9th floor was because in all of my haste when I called her I forgot to tell her that we were at a different hospital. I remember the look on my mothers face when she finally got to the right hospital. She knew exactly how I felt because she had stood in my same shoes just 20 years earlier with my little sister. I remember the hour long ultrasound that the new hospital did. I remember watching my baby on the ultrasound machine hoping that it wasn't the last time I'd see her. I remember the giant needle they stuck in my stomach when they ran the amniocenteses. I remember hearing the doctor explain to me what Dandy Walker Syndrome was. I remember the nurse telling me I had until I was 24 weeks to "terminate". I remember leaving the hospital and trying to find a place to eat with everyone. I remember almost getting into 3 accidents on the way and eventually giving up on food. I remember crying myself to sleep in my husbands arms that night.
I remember the 5 weeks of pure hell that followed. I will never forget 2/23/12 when the nurse told me that she, "had to go get the doctor because there was no heartbeat."
I remember our baby...Bristol Grace. And I love her!!!