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Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Word Vomit

Somewhere within the 6 amazing seasons of Dawson's Creek, Joey goes off and starts bitching about everything that is annoying her.  At the end she apologizes for what she calls "word vomit" and says that once its out you can never get it back.  Well, Id like to apologies in advance for the word vomit that is about to ensue...

**Before reading on I'd like to warn you that below will contain references to God, bad things that pregnant women do, and a slew of things that are annoying me at this current moment....please no judging.

Ok, let my word vomit begin....

When going through the world of infertility and pregnancy loss it seems like everyone around you and their brother is pregnant.  I've always found it hard to not get really jealous or judgmental of these individuals.  She's too young, too poor, too this, or too that....DH and I would make the perfect parents why cant we have kids?  Well, I thought that would go away once we got pregnant....boy was I wrong!!!  My husband has a "friend" whom I've never really liked (though I prolly don't have any real reason as to why).  When we found out that they were pregnant (we'd almost been trying for a year) I started crying.  Hell, these people have gotten rid of two separate dogs and two cats because they cannot handle the responsibility and now they get to be parents before us?!?!?!?  When they had their shower I dodged it but DH still went (it was a co ed shower)...he told me that it was kinda sad because the only had a few people actually show up.  Somehow I was still jealous...I didn't want what they had, I just wanted us to have our own baby.  Fast forward through about 2 years and a bunch of drama to yesterday...DH tells me that they are expecting twins!!!  I don't even understand how that is even possible....not only do they get pregnant on their first month of tic, but apparently they are so fertile that they get twins naturally???  So they get to skip through life and these numerous pregnancies that appear to come very easy to them and here I am so terrified that something will go wrong with this baby that I cant even enjoy this pregnancy!!!

Then I saw an article in today's paper about a baby that was left on some couples porch wrapped in a paper bag with its umbilical cord still attached...some "mother" gave birth to that baby and then abandoned it!!!!  I know a ton of people who would give their left arm to deliver a healthy baby and this mom just abandons her baby???

And the other day I saw a lady who looked like she was 8-9 months pregnant and she was smoking!!!  Are you kidding me?!?!?!?  This lady should be thanking her lucky stars that she has made it this far but instead she doesnt care and is risking her babies health????

And then there is this guilt I feel....I know its wrong to feel jealous of other people, one of the commandments is "Thou shalt not covet your neighbors possessions..." (Or something like that) but I dont know how to let go of this craziness in my head some times....I just want to personally yell at all of these people!!!  They need to be grateful for what they have....for many people would give a lot just to have the chance to be in their shoes!!!

Ok, my word vomit is done for the day.....thank you for listening!!!!

Monday, October 29, 2012

A little late

Ok, Im sorry that I haven't written as much as I would have liked in the last 2 months.  DH and I have had a crazy time.

I dont know if I've mentioned this before, but I have a handicapped little sister.  When I say little I really mean that she is younger than me so I will always consider her little but in reality she is 21 years old, almost as tall as I am, and about 100lbs.  So not really little at all, but still.  Well, my parents are getting older so DH and I moved her in with us.  This was no small task as it required DH and his friend to finish my basement which has taken a long time and Im still finding construction related dust all over my house.  Anyway, that is the short version of why I've been so busy lately.

On October 11th DH and I went for our 20 week ultrasound (it was this time during our last pregnancy that we found out our Bristol had problems).  When the ultrasound tech said that the baby's cerebellum looked normal we started to cry.  And as the measurements came in and the baby was measuring at 20 weeks I cried even more.  And when she said that the umbilical cord was normal I cried even more.  I was carrying a healthy baby that was on the bigger side measuring in the 87% category.  It was measuring at 13oz's at 20 wks when Bristol was born at 26 wks she only weighed 14.8 oz's.  I was so happy.  However, I was completely unprepared for what she said next..."You are having a BOY."  I'm still trying to wrap my head around that...a BOY???  I dont know what to do with a boy.  I am not trying to sound ungrateful, the sex of the baby doesnt matter one bit to me, but I have no clue what to do with a boy.  I mean Im a girl and I've been helping to care for my little sister for the last 21 years.  I dont have a clue what to do with a boy!!!  My friend told me that it's going to pee all over...

It was funny, the NP that we met with told us not to worry about the 87% and before she could finish her statement DH and I were fearing that 87% was bad...but then she was talking about the pain of giving birth to a large baby.  If thats my biggest concern with this pregnancy I will be the luckiest woman in the world.  I had a dream the other night that I was chasing a large baby around the house and I couldnt find a diaper that would fit him and thus he kept peeing all over everything.  I woke up laughing...

Our next appointment is on November 8th....