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Saturday, February 23, 2013

I love them both....

I wish I knew what the right words are to say exactly what Im thinking right now....I would think there should be some poetic words that just magically say everything I am thinking at this very minute (and I guess if I thought hard enough, I could probably find the right country music song or Dawson's Creek quote) but since I cant Ill just use my own words....

I feel like Im standing at a precipice....looking out over the past year and into the new year......one year ago today Brian and I were told that our daughter was gone.  The hardest words we've ever had to hear, "Im sorry, I'm going to get the doctor.  There is no heartbeat."  One year ago tomorrow our daughter was born silently into this world...she had already earned her angel wings.  I miss her so....I've cried a lot today.  But its hard to even know what Im feeling because my thoughts are focused on our current pregnancy.....you see, Im sitting here waiting for our doctors office to call....we are going to the hospital tonight to be induced with Bristol's brother, who will hopefully be born tomorrow....2/24/13 exactly one year after his sister was born.  At first I didn't know how I would feel about that, about both of our children having the same birthday, but now I think it is perfect.  It fits the story (which is somehow my life).  I remember walking outside on June 22nd (the day between our anniversary and DH's birthday) and finding that perfect feather just waiting for me....as if it was Bristol saying, "Mom, its ok.  I've got this one."  I think the only thing that could make today more perfect would be if when we left the house on our way to the hospital there was a beautiful perfect feather waiting for us on our porch.  I'm not holding out much hope on that one though....its the middle of winter and I haven't seen a bird in months.  

Truthfully, it still doesn't seem real.  After almost 4 years ttc and losing Bristol last year....to be 39 weeks pregnant and getting ready to go meet our son for the first time....yea, I think Ill believe it when Im holding our son in my arms...or maybe once the contractions start and Im in pain.  I don't know.  DH thinks Im too calm, but it just seems surreal to me.  

On a side note, we had some professional photos taken last week and this one is my favorite.....




Monday, February 18, 2013

Shower Time

"Cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow, for babies grow up we've learned to our sorrow.  So quite down cobwebs and dust go to sleep, Im rocking my baby and babies dont keep." ~It's a poem that was crocheted on a plaque that I saw at a garage sale when I was in 5th grade, just a few months after my little sister was born.  I thought it was so true that I made sure my mom bought it that day.

Our baby shower was on the 3rd.  It was a mix of emotions for me.  I think it is part of a ritual that seems to come with having a baby.  A part that became such a painful reminder with our years of infertility....I have avoided them for years actually.  To be honest, if it wasnt for DH I probably wouldnt have had a showe, at least not before the baby was born.  I was afraid I would jinx our pregnancy....in truth Ive been afraid the last 37 weeks......I dont want to get too aattached or excited, I needed to protect myself in case something goes wrong......Im terrified of going back to that dark place where I was in the days after Bristol was born......

After I got past the emotions of the shower day I was able to enjoy the day.  My best friend who planned the shower did a wonderful job.  It looked beautiful!!!  And, she listened to my original request and there were only a few games.  It was nice to spend the day with family and friends....especially the two friends who were really supportive of us when we lost Bristol.  And the fact that my eldest sister "forgot" to come to the shower didnt even dampen the mood.