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Sunday, May 26, 2013

See You Again

I was on my way to work yesterday when all of a sudden I was blindsided by a song that just struck the time the song was over I had tears rolling down my face....

Its called See You Again by Carrie Underwood and, if I could carry a tune in a bucket, I would sing this for Bristol....

Friday, May 24, 2013

She was born too...

Sometimes I feel like Im the only one who remembers that Bristol ever existed.  When we were pregnant with lil D my MIL made the comment on numerous occasions, "Just wait until you have to go through delivery, that will really hurt."  Each time she was corrected that I had already been through a vaginal delivery. and though our baby wasn't full term, it hurt like hell.  Well, earlier this week a "friend" of DH posted on FB that his wife was going to be induced on Friday.  DH commented that he hoped it was smooth and didn't take as long as our 48 hour induction.  To which he was meet with the following comment, "It can take longer for first time moms when they are induced," from his friends wife.  Really???  I mean I know you are a conceited SOB that I have never liked in my entire life, but considering you were a best man at our wedding (we had 2) you should be more conscientious about your comments.  Ohh, it still has me pissed off.

Plus, Im pretty certain that Im the only one who remembers that her EDD is coming up.  May 31st our first born was supposed to make her glorious entry into this world.  Instead the day makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry.  She should be turning one a week from today...plunging her open palms into chocolate birthday cake and making a glorified mess with a big grin on her face!!!

It's really weird because I am as happy as I have ever been with our rainbow baby but at the same time, Im as sad as ever because I miss Bristol.  I don't think any truer words have been spoken....

 "The beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn’t mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds."

Friday, May 10, 2013

Today's musings

I havent written as much as I would like to lately.....part due to being so busy and part due to writers block.  Ill start a post in my head thats usually inspired by a country music song or a particular topic being discussed on the news but by the time I get to a computer I've lost the thought.  Well, I am going to try to push through this one because I think it is important...

Have you ever been waiting for something so long that you build up this wonderful image in your head that is just perfect and then you set your standards so high that when it inevitably happens it isnt exactly how you pictured it???  I am not complaining about lil D....he is perfect and I feel blessed to be his mother!!!  Personally I think I enjoy it even more for our struggles....I even enjoy the middle of the night feedings.  What I wasnt expecting was this overwhelming feeling of missing Bristol even more than I did before D was born.  I didnt and I dont think of D as a replacement....I could never replace Bristol nor would I ever want to.  But I find my mind drifting more to her now then it did when I was pregnant.  When Im giving D a bottle or rocking him to sleep...I cant help but think that she should be turning one in a few weeks.  Or I wonder what her cry would have sounded like or what her smile would have looked like.  They have the same nose so I see some of her in him.  But it makes me miss her even more...I find I cry a lot easier now.

And I worry even more now...when the bombings in Boston happened I couldn't hold D tight enough.  To think that a little 8 year old was killed while he was watching his dad run a marathon.  And then my mind wanders....oh my goodness, he is gonna go to school one day and what happens if kids make fun of him?  Or one day he is gonna drive a car in the snow and what if he is in an accident???  And then he will go to prom.  And then college.  Or what if he wants to join our military???  I support our men and women in our armed forces more than I can say...and that is such an amazing sacrifice for ones country, but as a mom I am not ok with that.  And then he'll get married.  And what if his spouse doesn't like me?  Ill never see the grandkids.    

I think I should start the anti anxiety meds now before he goes to kindergarten :)