28 Weeks...

This past Thursday was our 28 week appointment.  We had an ultrasound scheduled for 8:30am and the actual dr visit scheduled for 9:10am.  After both appointments I was going to take my glucose test. This was another milestone in the baby growing process as last time we never made it to the glucose test...we were going to take it after our appointment but at said appointment we were told that Bristol was gone and then there was no reason for the test.  We left that bottle of orange stuff on the lunch try when we walked out of the room on 2/25/12.

Thursday was going to be different though, I had checked the heartbeat in the morning and plus he was moving around like crazy so I wasn't worried.  Though I did have great pause when the us tech lead us to the room in which we were told Bristol was gone...I would have requested a different room but I was afraid Id look like a nut.  The ultrasound went well...lo is measuring a week ahead of where he should be and everything looked good.  Everything that is, except the amnionic fluid level. In a normal pregnancy the level should be between 5-25.  Mine was 28...a mild case of polyhydramnios.  Some of these cases are caused by gestational diabetes, some caused for unknown reasons, and some are due to congenital defects.  The us tech told us he was going to meet with the dr to go over the results of the us and then he would be right back (this is normal practice for them).  I thought I was going to die when, a few minutes later, the director of the maternal fetal medicine department (same dr that told us Bristol was gone and sat with us to explain what was going to happen) walked into our room.  This time was different though, she had a smile on her face and she told us that the baby looked good and that she just wanted me to get tested for gestational diabetes.  We told her that we were happy to see her under better circumstances.

The rest of our appointment went well and at 11am I was getting my blood drawn for my gestational diabetes test.  When I called the office back a few hours later they let me know that I had failed the test and they wanted me to do a 3 hour test to get a better picture of what was going on.  So tonight at 10:30pm I am no longer allowed to eat and tomorrow at 8am I will be back at the office for that test.

Im not as worried this time (not that I will actually breathe easy until this lo is in my arms) because he has been moving around like crazy, he is a healthy size, and so far everything is looking normal.  The us tech even took some 3D images for us....(the middle one is actually of me and my brothers new puppy, but my "bump" looks cute and doesnt everyone like puppies??)

"You should be over it by now..."

Ok, Im going to go on a bit of a rant for a moment....

Yesterday I was told of a conversation that took place in which someone who is really close to my husband and I said that "They should be over it by now, after all I am."

 Now my rant will commence...ARE YOU KIDDING ME???  DH and I tried for 2.5 years to get pregnant....month after month we were met with devastation when AF arrived.  I charted my BBT every morning for over 2 years....we had timed intercourse....we both went through a madrid of tests and answered the most personal questions we have ever had to answer to doctors who were basically complete strangers....I took so many hormones that half the time I didnt know if I wanted to laugh or cry....we endured two failed IUI cycles....and number 3 involved a bunch of at home injections.  When the doctor called to tell us that we were pregnant we were so happy!!!  Over the moon would be the best way to describe it.  And even though I was scared beyond all measure, I started to make plans for our child....would she/he look more like DH or me?  When we found out our baby was a girl around 18 weeks at the 3D ultrasound place we just lost it.....we started to buy things for our daughter and make plans for her.  We picked out a color and a boarder to paint her room.  We even bought bedding and room decorations.  I came home from working one day and DH had her room painted and all set up.  I even bought a pair of PJ's that said Daddy's Princess.  We made plans...

And on January 19th 2012 when the NP walked in to our room and told us that, "there is something wrong with baby," our world came crashing down.  For the longest and most agonizing 5 weeks of our lives we endured test after test (all of which were done on me and some of them were quite painful) and asked every question possible to prepare our selves for raising a special needs daughter.  And NOTHING could have prepared us for February 23rd 2012 when the ultrasound tech said to us, "I am going to get the doctor, there is no heartbeat."  I just wanted to scream and run from the room but I couldn't.

The next 48 hours were the worst 48 hours of my life!!!  To have to give birth to our daughter that we had both wanted so badly knowing that she would not take her first breath...well, its a pain that I dont wish on anyone.  No parent should ever have to burry their child, even if that child was just 26 weeks.  DH and I were devastated!!!!!!!  And that pain, is not something you will ever get over.  A few days after we lost Bristol I read something that said, "The pain of losing a child is not something that will ever go away, you just learn to make room for the pain."  I think that pretty much sums it up....losing Bristol was the hardest thing I have ever been though and it has changed who I am at my core.

This holiday season I have mixed feelings....the holidays are hard for infertile couples who long to have families of their own.  Last holiday season we were dreaming of spending this holiday season with our Daughter.  On Thanksgiving while everyone was busying being happy I couldn't help but think that Bristol should be with us and it should be her first Thanksgiving.

I dare someone to say to me that I should be "over this" by now because I will let them have it.  Like I said, it has changed who I am at my core.  No, it does not define me.  Im not dwelling on my past.  The periods of sadness get further and further apart.  And I hardly cry any more.  I am able to look forward to new things and with each passing day I love Bristol's brother more and more.  With each kick I become even more attached.....and that scares me knowing that no time is ever guaranteed to us.  But I love stronger and deeper since Bristol and I am grateful for that.  And for the chance to spend the few short weeks I had with her.

To anyone who chooses to judge me and say, "I should be over it by now, " you can feel free to take a long walk off a short cliff.  Unless you have had to deal with infertility, a stillbirth, and been exactly in my shoes you have no right to say anything to me.  But for someone who had no problems getting pregnant and who has never had a loss of any kind to say that...well, that hurt worse than any other words that have ever been said to me.

"When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them."

Is this your first???

I dont know what it is about pregnant being pregnant that makes strangers come up to me and ask when Im due, touch my stomach, and...the hardest question in the world, "Is this your first?"  I can handle the, "When are you due?" question...though I must admit the first few times it caught me off guard and I responded with, "When am I doing what?"  Now I can answer it and say March 2nd, but I stumble with my words and if people are paying attention I get some funny looks.....I mean Bristol was due May 31st and since I got so used to saying May 31st every time I was asked that question. plus March and May are the only two months that start with an M....well, you can see why I would stumble.  And the touch of the stomach....well, you'd better watch out cuz if you catch me off guard Ill smack you!!!  

But the hardest one of all is the question, "Is this your first?"  Now I realize that most people are just being polite or making small talk, but what is the socially acceptable answer???  If I just say, "No," then I get the follow up question, "How old are your other children?"  But if I were to say, "Yes," then Im ignoring my first child.  And that doesn't seem right.  Bristol is such a big part of who I am now, plus I love her more than I could even begin to explain....and to deny her very existence doesn't seem right.  Plus, I just cannot do it.  So I opt for the answer no one really wants to hear, "No, our daughter was stillborn at 26 weeks in February."  That pretty much shuts people up, but the ones who touch my heart are the ones who ask about her and then tell me they are praying for us.  I work in a retail store, and there are 2 customers who always ask about me when they are in.  The one lady was in the week before our 20 week ultrasound and purposefully came in the day after my appointment to see how it went.  She always tells me she is praying for us and that makes me feel better. 

Well, we go for our 28 week appointment next Thursday.  We are having an ultrasound done then too. Im hoping if everything looks good there that I will stop worrying but Im not kidding myself....Im gonna be worried about this little boy until the day I die.  

Word Vomit

Somewhere within the 6 amazing seasons of Dawson's Creek, Joey goes off and starts bitching about everything that is annoying her.  At the end she apologizes for what she calls "word vomit" and says that once its out you can never get it back.  Well, Id like to apologies in advance for the word vomit that is about to ensue...

**Before reading on I'd like to warn you that below will contain references to God, bad things that pregnant women do, and a slew of things that are annoying me at this current moment....please no judging.

Ok, let my word vomit begin....

When going through the world of infertility and pregnancy loss it seems like everyone around you and their brother is pregnant.  I've always found it hard to not get really jealous or judgmental of these individuals.  She's too young, too poor, too this, or too that....DH and I would make the perfect parents why cant we have kids?  Well, I thought that would go away once we got pregnant....boy was I wrong!!!  My husband has a "friend" whom I've never really liked (though I prolly don't have any real reason as to why).  When we found out that they were pregnant (we'd almost been trying for a year) I started crying.  Hell, these people have gotten rid of two separate dogs and two cats because they cannot handle the responsibility and now they get to be parents before us?!?!?!?  When they had their shower I dodged it but DH still went (it was a co ed shower)...he told me that it was kinda sad because the only had a few people actually show up.  Somehow I was still jealous...I didn't want what they had, I just wanted us to have our own baby.  Fast forward through about 2 years and a bunch of drama to yesterday...DH tells me that they are expecting twins!!!  I don't even understand how that is even possible....not only do they get pregnant on their first month of tic, but apparently they are so fertile that they get twins naturally???  So they get to skip through life and these numerous pregnancies that appear to come very easy to them and here I am so terrified that something will go wrong with this baby that I cant even enjoy this pregnancy!!!

Then I saw an article in today's paper about a baby that was left on some couples porch wrapped in a paper bag with its umbilical cord still attached...some "mother" gave birth to that baby and then abandoned it!!!!  I know a ton of people who would give their left arm to deliver a healthy baby and this mom just abandons her baby???

And the other day I saw a lady who looked like she was 8-9 months pregnant and she was smoking!!!  Are you kidding me?!?!?!?  This lady should be thanking her lucky stars that she has made it this far but instead she doesnt care and is risking her babies health????

And then there is this guilt I feel....I know its wrong to feel jealous of other people, one of the commandments is "Thou shalt not covet your neighbors possessions..." (Or something like that) but I dont know how to let go of this craziness in my head some times....I just want to personally yell at all of these people!!!  They need to be grateful for what they have....for many people would give a lot just to have the chance to be in their shoes!!!

Ok, my word vomit is done for the day.....thank you for listening!!!!

A little late

Ok, Im sorry that I haven't written as much as I would have liked in the last 2 months.  DH and I have had a crazy time.

I dont know if I've mentioned this before, but I have a handicapped little sister.  When I say little I really mean that she is younger than me so I will always consider her little but in reality she is 21 years old, almost as tall as I am, and about 100lbs.  So not really little at all, but still.  Well, my parents are getting older so DH and I moved her in with us.  This was no small task as it required DH and his friend to finish my basement which has taken a long time and Im still finding construction related dust all over my house.  Anyway, that is the short version of why I've been so busy lately.

On October 11th DH and I went for our 20 week ultrasound (it was this time during our last pregnancy that we found out our Bristol had problems).  When the ultrasound tech said that the baby's cerebellum looked normal we started to cry.  And as the measurements came in and the baby was measuring at 20 weeks I cried even more.  And when she said that the umbilical cord was normal I cried even more.  I was carrying a healthy baby that was on the bigger side measuring in the 87% category.  It was measuring at 13oz's at 20 wks when Bristol was born at 26 wks she only weighed 14.8 oz's.  I was so happy.  However, I was completely unprepared for what she said next..."You are having a BOY."  I'm still trying to wrap my head around that...a BOY???  I dont know what to do with a boy.  I am not trying to sound ungrateful, the sex of the baby doesnt matter one bit to me, but I have no clue what to do with a boy.  I mean Im a girl and I've been helping to care for my little sister for the last 21 years.  I dont have a clue what to do with a boy!!!  My friend told me that it's going to pee all over...

It was funny, the NP that we met with told us not to worry about the 87% and before she could finish her statement DH and I were fearing that 87% was bad...but then she was talking about the pain of giving birth to a large baby.  If thats my biggest concern with this pregnancy I will be the luckiest woman in the world.  I had a dream the other night that I was chasing a large baby around the house and I couldnt find a diaper that would fit him and thus he kept peeing all over everything.  I woke up laughing...

Our next appointment is on November 8th....

One Year Later

There is a famous quote from the book, A Tale of Two Cities, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..." and while I cant even tell you what the book is about (I was lucky enough to never have to read it for school), after the last year I can honestly say I completely understand what it means...

It was a year ago yesterday, September 22nd 2011, that I received a call from our RE's office letting me know that our 3rd IUI worked and I was pregnant.  I didn't believe it then and if you would have told me then what the next 12 months of my life was going to look like I would have told you that you were nuts!!!

But here I am 12 months later...I am a completely different person than I was 12 months ago.  The pain that I've been through is the worst kind of pain, and I don't think any mother should ever have to go through it, but somehow Ive come out on the other side a stronger and more compassionate person.  I've always had faith in God, but sometimes its hard when you don't know what his plan for you is.  And Ill be honest, the first week I was home from the hospital, when I was alone in the house I wailed on our punching bag and I screamed at Him.  I remember the deacon at the hospital telling us that its ok to be mad at God, we just couldn't close him out of our lives.  And, in a weird way, I find I have a stronger relationship with Him.

I've changed in other ways too (even though some of the changes I couldn't even begin to explain how they are related).  I don't listen to music as much...I used to switch between a talk raido station and my country music station, now its pretty much the Catholic channel on my way to work and the talk radio station on my way home.  I can't bring myself to use my wonderful pregnancy pillow that my husband bought me last time, Im too scared that it might bring me bad luck or that somehow it will jinx us.   Though all of my doctors have told me that 8oz of caffeine a day is ok, I have completely cut it out of my diet.  Im afraid to take hot baths even though (again) my docs have assured me that they are safe just so long as I don't allow myself to over heat.  I started eating salads (even though I cannot stand lettuce) but I had to give that up a few weeks ago when about 20 minutes after I finished eating a salad I threw it all up...vomiting lettuce is nasty!!!  Hell, even my standard Taco Bell order has changed...I used to love soft tacos and now I only like hard ones.

Anyway, we will officially be 18 weeks on Thursday.  Our 16 week appointment went well but they didn't do any ultrasounds like I was hoping they would.  I literally begged for one but they still didn't give me one.  They said everything seemed find and the heartbeat was normal.  Well, DUH....I monitor the heartbeat at least once a day.  We go back on 10/11/12 for the 20 week ultrasound where they will tell us the baby's sex and more importantly if it has any problems that they can see.  Im so scared for that day. I know the doctors believe that what happened last time was a fluke and that there is no reason to think it should happen again but Im still terrified.

I just pray every night that towards the end of February or the beginning of March that we are holding our healthy bundle of joy.  Until then every day I thank God for another day with this baby.

6 Months and Counting...

Well, today marks 6 months since Bristol left us.  6 months since I held her in my arms for the first and last time....I've been pretty emotional this week, but I think thats pretty understandable.  Yesterday, for the first time in months, I cried at work.  You know, I would think that this would get easier over time, but it doesn't (at least not to me), nope...I just learn to make room for the pain.

When I went back to work on April 9th I remember thinking how hard it was to see the ladies who were pregnant when I was.  How it wasn't fair that their babies were still with them but there I was empty and without my baby.  I got through those first few months by telling myself that once the end of May came, they would have their babies and then looking at them wouldn't be a constant reminder of my loss.  I was wrong though, even now looking at them is a constant reminder of our loss.  It makes me not want to look at these ladies much less talk to them, which is really hard because they are actually really great people.  They even had a conversation with another one of my coworkers about not wanting to make me uncomfortable when I came back to work.

I miss Bristol so much.  I have a lot of regrets for those two days...and Im gonna have to live with those forever.  These regrets might sound grotesque to someone who hasn't been in this position, but they will haunt me always.  I wish I would have taken more photos of her.  I wish I wouldn't have been so scared to touch her and look at her.  I wish I could have held her just a little bit longer.  I wish when I held her that I could have been stronger so that I wasn't so scared to touch her and look at her.  I was just so scared that I made so many mistakes....I just hope that Bristol understands my actions, or at least isn't mad at me for them and knows that I love her more than I could ever say.......

This week marks another milestone, this one a bit happier.....Thursday marked 13 weeks of pregnancy and thus the entrance into the second trimester.  When we went on August 15th baby was measuring at 11wks 5 days which is just where he/she should be.  I've been a lot more sick to my stomach lately, especially the last two mornings.  This morning it was so bad, and personally I think vomiting is the worst when there is nothing actually in your stomach to throw up, that I had the worst thought Ive ever had...sometimes being pregnant is really hard and not fun at all and I don't know why people do it.  Wow, the second that thought popped into my head I instantly regretted it...but how do I take back a thoughts???  What type of person does that make me????  DH and I have been ttc for over 3 years and our first baby was stillborn, and Im blessed enough to get pregnant again and now Im having this thought???  I should be grateful for every moment I have with this baby...Im going to go back to my mantra for the first 8 weeks....today I am pregnant, I am going to enjoy it, tell my baby I love him/her, and thank God for every day I get with this baby...