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Sunday, December 2, 2012

"You should be over it by now..."

Ok, Im going to go on a bit of a rant for a moment....

Yesterday I was told of a conversation that took place in which someone who is really close to my husband and I said that "They should be over it by now, after all I am."

 Now my rant will commence...ARE YOU KIDDING ME???  DH and I tried for 2.5 years to get pregnant....month after month we were met with devastation when AF arrived.  I charted my BBT every morning for over 2 years....we had timed intercourse....we both went through a madrid of tests and answered the most personal questions we have ever had to answer to doctors who were basically complete strangers....I took so many hormones that half the time I didnt know if I wanted to laugh or cry....we endured two failed IUI cycles....and number 3 involved a bunch of at home injections.  When the doctor called to tell us that we were pregnant we were so happy!!!  Over the moon would be the best way to describe it.  And even though I was scared beyond all measure, I started to make plans for our child....would she/he look more like DH or me?  When we found out our baby was a girl around 18 weeks at the 3D ultrasound place we just lost it.....we started to buy things for our daughter and make plans for her.  We picked out a color and a boarder to paint her room.  We even bought bedding and room decorations.  I came home from working one day and DH had her room painted and all set up.  I even bought a pair of PJ's that said Daddy's Princess.  We made plans...

And on January 19th 2012 when the NP walked in to our room and told us that, "there is something wrong with baby," our world came crashing down.  For the longest and most agonizing 5 weeks of our lives we endured test after test (all of which were done on me and some of them were quite painful) and asked every question possible to prepare our selves for raising a special needs daughter.  And NOTHING could have prepared us for February 23rd 2012 when the ultrasound tech said to us, "I am going to get the doctor, there is no heartbeat."  I just wanted to scream and run from the room but I couldn't.

The next 48 hours were the worst 48 hours of my life!!!  To have to give birth to our daughter that we had both wanted so badly knowing that she would not take her first breath...well, its a pain that I dont wish on anyone.  No parent should ever have to burry their child, even if that child was just 26 weeks.  DH and I were devastated!!!!!!!  And that pain, is not something you will ever get over.  A few days after we lost Bristol I read something that said, "The pain of losing a child is not something that will ever go away, you just learn to make room for the pain."  I think that pretty much sums it up....losing Bristol was the hardest thing I have ever been though and it has changed who I am at my core.

This holiday season I have mixed feelings....the holidays are hard for infertile couples who long to have families of their own.  Last holiday season we were dreaming of spending this holiday season with our Daughter.  On Thanksgiving while everyone was busying being happy I couldn't help but think that Bristol should be with us and it should be her first Thanksgiving.

I dare someone to say to me that I should be "over this" by now because I will let them have it.  Like I said, it has changed who I am at my core.  No, it does not define me.  Im not dwelling on my past.  The periods of sadness get further and further apart.  And I hardly cry any more.  I am able to look forward to new things and with each passing day I love Bristol's brother more and more.  With each kick I become even more attached.....and that scares me knowing that no time is ever guaranteed to us.  But I love stronger and deeper since Bristol and I am grateful for that.  And for the chance to spend the few short weeks I had with her.

To anyone who chooses to judge me and say, "I should be over it by now, " you can feel free to take a long walk off a short cliff.  Unless you have had to deal with infertility, a stillbirth, and been exactly in my shoes you have no right to say anything to me.  But for someone who had no problems getting pregnant and who has never had a loss of any kind to say that...well, that hurt worse than any other words that have ever been said to me.

"When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them."


  1. wow. seriously the idiocy of some people is absolutely incredible. I can't even imagine what you've gone through, and I have a co-worker who's baby girl is due, I believe next month, however her son was born last December and was only in her arms for 18 minutes...Every time I look at her, I can't even imagine the emotions she goes through To be excited about the impending birth of her daughter, yet still mourn the death of her son. She has the most beautiful pic on her desk of her and her husband smiling, holding their son after he was born.

    There's another blog I read who now has a beautiful baby boy, but lost their baby girl to SIDS two years ago...and it tears me up all the time to read about how she does little things here and there to remember her daughter.

    Seriously I don't know how you didn't go after that woman.

    But you didn't because you are the better woman.

  2. Thank you very much for the kind words. And that you can grasp that it has to be hard for her makes you a wonderful caring person. And I didnt go after her because, well, of who she is. :)

  3. I stumbled upon your blog today, and first of all I would like to say how sorry I am to hear about your loss. OMG, I had a stillborn daughter 16 years ago after having five successful singleton births and let me tell you, who ever made that comment clearly is just ignorant. My heart still aches daily for my precious daughter. The hurt does get easier, but it never goes away. Her name was Lilly and even 16 years later we still continue to incorporate her into our lives. When my daughter was married 5 years ago, she used tons of lillies in her decor at the church and bouquets. She made a point to make reference to all the lillies in her wedding program and say they were in honor of her sister. I did go on to have one more son after Lilly's stillbirth, so I also understand all the emotions that go along with that process as well. You're doing a great job:)