There is a famous quote from the book, A Tale of Two Cities, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..." and while I cant even tell you what the book is about (I was lucky enough to never have to read it for school), after the last year I can honestly say I completely understand what it means...
It was a year ago yesterday, September 22nd 2011, that I received a call from our RE's office letting me know that our 3rd IUI worked and I was pregnant. I didn't believe it then and if you would have told me then what the next 12 months of my life was going to look like I would have told you that you were nuts!!!
But here I am 12 months later...I am a completely different person than I was 12 months ago. The pain that I've been through is the worst kind of pain, and I don't think any mother should ever have to go through it, but somehow Ive come out on the other side a stronger and more compassionate person. I've always had faith in God, but sometimes its hard when you don't know what his plan for you is. And Ill be honest, the first week I was home from the hospital, when I was alone in the house I wailed on our punching bag and I screamed at Him. I remember the deacon at the hospital telling us that its ok to be mad at God, we just couldn't close him out of our lives. And, in a weird way, I find I have a stronger relationship with Him.
I've changed in other ways too (even though some of the changes I couldn't even begin to explain how they are related). I don't listen to music as much...I used to switch between a talk raido station and my country music station, now its pretty much the Catholic channel on my way to work and the talk radio station on my way home. I can't bring myself to use my wonderful pregnancy pillow that my husband bought me last time, Im too scared that it might bring me bad luck or that somehow it will jinx us. Though all of my doctors have told me that 8oz of caffeine a day is ok, I have completely cut it out of my diet. Im afraid to take hot baths even though (again) my docs have assured me that they are safe just so long as I don't allow myself to over heat. I started eating salads (even though I cannot stand lettuce) but I had to give that up a few weeks ago when about 20 minutes after I finished eating a salad I threw it all up...vomiting lettuce is nasty!!! Hell, even my standard Taco Bell order has changed...I used to love soft tacos and now I only like hard ones.
Anyway, we will officially be 18 weeks on Thursday. Our 16 week appointment went well but they didn't do any ultrasounds like I was hoping they would. I literally begged for one but they still didn't give me one. They said everything seemed find and the heartbeat was normal. Well, DUH....I monitor the heartbeat at least once a day. We go back on 10/11/12 for the 20 week ultrasound where they will tell us the baby's sex and more importantly if it has any problems that they can see. Im so scared for that day. I know the doctors believe that what happened last time was a fluke and that there is no reason to think it should happen again but Im still terrified.
I just pray every night that towards the end of February or the beginning of March that we are holding our healthy bundle of joy. Until then every day I thank God for another day with this baby.