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Friday, August 24, 2012

6 Months and Counting...

Well, today marks 6 months since Bristol left us.  6 months since I held her in my arms for the first and last time....I've been pretty emotional this week, but I think thats pretty understandable.  Yesterday, for the first time in months, I cried at work.  You know, I would think that this would get easier over time, but it doesn't (at least not to me), nope...I just learn to make room for the pain.

When I went back to work on April 9th I remember thinking how hard it was to see the ladies who were pregnant when I was.  How it wasn't fair that their babies were still with them but there I was empty and without my baby.  I got through those first few months by telling myself that once the end of May came, they would have their babies and then looking at them wouldn't be a constant reminder of my loss.  I was wrong though, even now looking at them is a constant reminder of our loss.  It makes me not want to look at these ladies much less talk to them, which is really hard because they are actually really great people.  They even had a conversation with another one of my coworkers about not wanting to make me uncomfortable when I came back to work.

I miss Bristol so much.  I have a lot of regrets for those two days...and Im gonna have to live with those forever.  These regrets might sound grotesque to someone who hasn't been in this position, but they will haunt me always.  I wish I would have taken more photos of her.  I wish I wouldn't have been so scared to touch her and look at her.  I wish I could have held her just a little bit longer.  I wish when I held her that I could have been stronger so that I wasn't so scared to touch her and look at her.  I was just so scared that I made so many mistakes....I just hope that Bristol understands my actions, or at least isn't mad at me for them and knows that I love her more than I could ever say.......

This week marks another milestone, this one a bit happier.....Thursday marked 13 weeks of pregnancy and thus the entrance into the second trimester.  When we went on August 15th baby was measuring at 11wks 5 days which is just where he/she should be.  I've been a lot more sick to my stomach lately, especially the last two mornings.  This morning it was so bad, and personally I think vomiting is the worst when there is nothing actually in your stomach to throw up, that I had the worst thought Ive ever had...sometimes being pregnant is really hard and not fun at all and I don't know why people do it.  Wow, the second that thought popped into my head I instantly regretted it...but how do I take back a thoughts???  What type of person does that make me????  DH and I have been ttc for over 3 years and our first baby was stillborn, and Im blessed enough to get pregnant again and now Im having this thought???  I should be grateful for every moment I have with this baby...Im going to go back to my mantra for the first 8 weeks....today I am pregnant, I am going to enjoy it, tell my baby I love him/her, and thank God for every day I get with this baby...

 

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