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Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Changes

Well, Im officially on week 4 of being back at work.  I'm still there and I haven't called in once so that has to count as something, right???  Its not at all like I expected it to be.  The first week back was so hard.  But then the second week it got a little easier.  The third week though just seemed the same as the second.  And the fourth....well, so far its been really hard so Im not holding out too much hope.

I try to tell myself that Im ok but I know thats a lie.  It's a little easier to fool other people though, cuz they can't see my heart.  They don't have to hear my thoughts.  Its so hard....literally not a waking minute goes by that I don't think of Bristol.  Today is May 1st....I should be getting ready to meet her in a few weeks.

I saw a psychiatrist this past week.  When I was at the hospital they put me on a low dose of Zoloft and I wanted to discuss medication with another professional with the hopes of trying to get pregnant again soon.  She told me the same thing that the doctors at the high risk clinic told me, that a low dose antidepressant/anti anxiety medication is ok during pregnancy, that they would rather keep me mentally healthy cuz thats better for the baby.  She also told me that since it had only been 8 weeks since Bristol had passed all of my feelings were normal and that its normal to not feel like the same person that I was before this happened.  Normal......I don't even know what that means any more.....to me I feel like a totally different person.......

It's weird....before Bristol was born, even before we started trying to get pregnant I played FarmVille on Facebook.  I played it all the time.  When the FarmVille app came out for the iPhone I was crazy excited. I played it all day...in the bathroom, in the morning, while making dinner, on breaks at work, at night while my husband was sleeping....you could say I was obsessed (my husband sure would).  My goal was to be at level 100 by the time the baby was born.  I even harvested the morning before our doctors appointment.  That was the last time I played that game.  I haven't even really thought about it except to think about how weird it is that I no longer even care about that game.  I used to love country music.  It was basically the only thing I listened to in the car (except for my political talk radio).  I would dance to it in my car on the way to and from work.  Only when a song that I didn't like would come out would I change the channel.  Now....well, all I listen to is my talk radio.  In the mornings I also flip between two religious channels....one that is a talk station and the other has the daily mass on.  I listen to the prayers and pray right along with them.

I've never really liked cooking.  I mean I made dinner because we had to eat and its not healthy or cost effective to get carry out daily.  When I was off of work I cooked a few different meals that turned out really well.  I kinda miss doing that now.  I wish I had more time to cook.  I used to be really picky about a clean house too.  I would clean clean.....now, while the house is still super clean, a little dirt here or there doesn't bother me.  And wow, am I tired.  I don't sleep well at night, I wake up a few times at least.  And even if I go to bed early and don't wake up at all during the night I still wake up tired in the morning....

I miss my baby girl so much.  I've told my therapist that I am surprised that its not getting easier.  That, while it did get easier in the beginning that I think its kinda stalled out and Im not getting any "better".  She says that its normal.  That its kinda how grief works.  Well, let me tell you.....grief and I are not getting along right now.  I want to go back to my old life....where for the most part I was happy and I didn't know this pain.......

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