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Sunday, May 13, 2012

Today

Well, it's here....the day infertile women dread every year....Mother's Day....

This was supposed to be my first Mother's Day.  I should be 37 weeks 3 days.  I should be getting ready to meet our daughter in 18 days.  I should not be sitting here wondering if Ill ever get to be a mother.

In spite of this all encumbering sadness that I feel today hasn't been terrible.  I have received 4 heartfelt messages from people that have made me feel special today.  The funny part about it is that these messages have come from unlikely sources...my second cousin who I haven't actually spoken to in years (she lost a baby at around 6 months old), my husbands friends' wife that Ive only spoken with 3 times and two of those times were at our respective weddings (she had a miscarriage at 12 weeks), a male co-worker who has my position at another location in a different state that Ive never actually met before (he and his wife experienced infertility), and my former therapist (who suffered 2 losses herself later in pregnancy).  All of these messages have made me feel special...like Im not forgotten on this day.  If only I could find the words to tell them how much their words have meant to me.....I've wondered to myself if Im actually a mother since my baby died, I guess their messages have answered that question.

I hope Im not being selfish by not visiting with my mom, MIL, and my grandma this day.  They are all very special people whom I love very much....its just that today is really sad for me, especially after Bristol passed away and I just don't really think I can handle leaving the house.  Frankly, I think Im doing good that I left my bed today.  Well, Ive been awake for 4 hours....I think that means its time for a nap!!!


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