I thought this was supposed to get easier with time, but instead it seems to be getting harder. Maybe it is because our due date is rapidly approaching...May 31st. A day I've looked forward to since 11:52am on September 22nd 2011. A day I've been dreading since February 23rd.
I've never experienced anything like this before. My mind keeps replaying everything that happened since we found out that Bristol had DWV like some slow motion silent movie where all I hear are bad things being told to me and my sobs while I feel so overcome with sadness that Im unable to breathe or even move. It doesn't matter where Im am or what Im doing, I can't stop it from playing. It has me so distracted that I am becoming incredibly forgetful, very irritable, and unable to handle more than one or two tasks at a time. I had to go to Costco for work the other day and I almost had a break down in the middle of the store. I had a list in my hand and the first thing on the list was Kirkland Center Cut Bacon, 4 lbs for $10.99. I found Boars Head Bacon but I couldn't find Kirkland (which posed a problem cuz I was on a tight budget and the Kirkland brand was half the price as the Boars Head). I walked around the entire store for 10 minutes and I was unable to find it. I then decided Id go to the produce isle to get lettuce. I walked around there for 5 minutes and couldn't find the damn lettuce. I was panicking because not only could I not find what I was looking for, but I couldnt find anyone to help me, and I was under a time crunch as I had to be back at work in less than an hour. And to top it off, everywhere I looked there was some stupid pregnant chick or someone else with a baby. I felt myself starting to panic. I couldn't find anything on my list, I couldn't be late to work, and I wanted my baby!!! I started to have a hard time breathing. Luckily I was able to find someone who actually worked there who was able to help me find everything on my list. I was saved. It took me about 10 minutes to check out (they clearly needed more cashiers). I then had to navigate to the other end of the parking lot which was made even more difficult by the crazy people in their cars and their inability to drive. I got everything put into my trunk, put the cart away, and even helped an old lady find her car (the sliver taurus in front of my car) when my phone rang....my bosses wanted a few more things!!! I thought I was gonna lose it right there on the phone. Luckily, I made it back into the store and out again in about 20 minutes without incident. And I was only 15 minutes late back to the store.
I've read that some grieving parents say that the 3rd-5th months are the hardest because you are coming out of the "fog" that first hit after the loss. I just wish so much that the body had a time limit...like after x amount of months the pain would be gone and life would be fine again. Or at least as "fine" as it was in the first place. But it just seems as though this pain will never end, never fade....like theres no end in sight. And how can it end anyway??? I have this beautiful pink room with brand new baby furniture just waiting to be used. Every single time I walk by the room its a reminder that she's gone. Sometimes I just wish I could annex that room from the house. And every holiday that happens after May 31st should have been her first. My MIL keeps asking if we are going to have a 4th of July party like we did last year and I keep putting off the question. I'd like to have a party, but all Ill be thinking is that Bristol should be here....that this should be her first 4th of July.
I find it even harder to be around pregnant people too. I know this sounds terrible, like I am the worlds worst person, but I think every single person should have to go through IF and a loss. Both IF and a loss are so isolating....it can feel like you are the only person in the world who's been in the situation, and maybe if everyone had to stand in your shoes at one point they would be more understanding. Plus, I think there are so many people who do not appreciate their children and maybe if they had to go through everything that we have to have them, they would appreciate their children more. Maybe hold them a little longer....kiss them a little bit more.....read them just one more bed time story...
"I got to see my belly getting larger.
I got to see my baby on a screen.
I got to feel her moving inside me.
I got to experience the feeling of her kicking.
While that is amazing,
What I lost is even greater.
I had the honour of giving birth,
But not the privilege of bringing her home.
I will never get to hold her alive.
I will never hear her first words,
See her first steps,
Or watch her grow.
I will never get to hug her,
Comfort her and protect her.
I will never get to hear her
Tell Mummy and Daddy how much she loves them.
I will never get to experience the adventure
Of being a mother.
In my heart, I'm a mother,
But in reality I'm not.
I will never know how she would have looked and been like.
But I did get to learn sacrifice,
And I will always be able to love her."