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Thursday, May 10, 2012

Here

The first few days home from the hospital are pretty much a blur.  I cried a lot.  I slept a lot.  And the only thing I ate was junk food.  Truthfully, the next thing I remember is it being Friday March 2nd and thinking that it had already been a week since Bristol was born sleeping. 

 Time is a funny thing like that...it flies by sometimes, drags on slowly at other times, and then one day you look up and you wonder how it is that you got to where you are. 

The second, third, and fourth week I cried a lot.  I slept a lot.  But I tried to put things back together.  I watched a lot of tv, took our dogs for walks, cleaned our already clean house, and made a few dinners.  We even went to a support group.  

The fifth and sixth week started to get better.  I was still sad, not a moment went by that I didn't think of our daughter, but I started to go on.  I made fancy dinners for the husband and I.  I actually enjoyed my last two weeks off of work.  

I went back to work on April 9th, the seventh week.  Wow, that was way harder than I thought.  I thought I had been moving forward but going back to work seemed like 5 steps back.  Everywhere I looked there were reminders of the old me, the pregnant me.  My second week back to work got better and by my second Friday I managed to make it through the day without crying.  

Then, without any known reason, I fell 5 steps backwards.  Which brings me to where I am today.  I think of Bristol every minute of every day regardless of what Im doing.  It makes me sad.  I miss her so much.  It occurred to me today that I should be 37 weeks and getting ready to meet my daughter in 3 short weeks.  I should be getting ready to celebrate my first Mother's Day as a soon to be mom, not dreading the day and planning how I can stay in bed all day.  I feel almost foggy, I forget what Im doing, I get distracted easily, and I make simple mistakes that I never would have otherwise made.  I have panic attacks in the middle of the work day for no reason.  I get so overwhelmed with sadness that I just want to run from the building sobbing.  My therapist assures me this is normal...that grief occurs in stages, some stages last longer than others, and that there is no "order" that the stages come in, but that doesn't really help.  I mean what is normal anyway???  

I met with a psychiatrist the other day.  Ive been on Zoloft since we left the hospital.  And Ambien to help me sleep at night.  She gave me a script for Xanax to help me with my panic attacks.  Im not trying to medicate the pain away, I don't think thats possible.  Im just taking something to help me function enough to get through the days.

In the days after Bristol's death I was told that the pain of losing a child never goes away, you just learn to make room for it.  I don't think I could have said it better myself.....

2 comments:

  1. I can't even begin to imagine your pain and sadness. Thinking about you. Praying that you can find peace again.

    I once knew a married couple who lost their four year old daughter to cancer. They've never forgotten her, or the pain of losing her. They said that it does get easier over time (it's been a few years now since she passed), but the hurt never goes away.

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  2. Thank you so much for your kind words!!!

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