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Friday, May 4, 2012

Faith

When we first found out that Bristol was gone I was mad.  I was really mad at God.

Though Ive never been a super religious person, I was raised Lutheran and the husband was raised Catholic.  We were married in a Catholic church and had agreed that I would become Catholic and we would raise our kids Catholic.  We've never been ones to go to church on Sundays.  In fact we only go to church on Christmas eve.  But that doesn't mean that I don't have a good relationship with God.  I talk to him a lot and I pray to him a lot.  Frankly, Ive just been too lazy.  I like sleeping in on the weekends.  Im not making an excuse, thats just the way its been.

While going through life I frequently ask God, "why?" And though I never normally get an answer right then, eventually I see His reasoning.  When we finally got pregnant with Bristol I couldn't wait for her to be born...I knew the moment that she was in my arms all of our pain with infertility would be gone and everything would make sense in this crazy world.  Now, I feel like I have more questions than ever.

You know, when we first found out that Bristol had some health problems, I prayed that she wouldn't suffer.  I asked God to take her to be with Him if her life on this Earth was going to be painful.  I didn't want her to suffer.  I also asked God to save her and fix her.  I knew it was within his power to do so.  The moment the doctor told me that she was gone I felt so mad at Him.  He had the power to save my baby and He didn't.  I felt so guilty for being mad at him.  I wanted so badly for someone to tell me it was ok to be mad.  When the deacon came in to visit us before she was born he told us that it was ok to be mad at God.  He told me that I just had to talk to God about my anger and not shut God out.  He also told me that Bristol was made in God's image.  And though she couldn't stay with us on Earth that God had bigger plans for her.  Though I don't know what those plans are now....I have faith that one day I will...

Until then....baby I love you!!!!!


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