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Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Letter to My Baby

Dear Bristol,

My baby girl, I miss you so much.  I cannot believe its been almost 6 weeks since I held you in my arms.  I still cannot believe you are really gone.  Sometimes I think I still feel you moving inside of me, and then when I realize you are gone I am sad all over again.  I miss you so much.  There has not been a single minute that has passed since I found out I was pregnant with you that I haven't thought of you.  Would you look more like your daddy or me?  Would you be a mama's girl or a daddy's girl?  You know, you daddy said you couldn't date until you were 30.  After we found out about your diagnosis, I told him that you could date at 4 if you wanted as long as you were ok.  Your room is still waiting for you.  I'd always hoped you'd be able to see it...your daddy worked so hard at it.  I tried to give my suggestions but Im not good at that stuff.  After your daddy painted the room pink I was really worried that it was too pink.  I didn't want to tell him because I didn't want to hurt his feelings, he had just spent 10 hours painting and he wanted it to be perfect for you and me.  But after we got your furniture in there, the Winnie the Pooh boarder up, and he stenciled the words, "Always kiss me goodnight" above your bed it was perfect.  It breaks my heart every day knowing you won't ever be in it.  I hope its ok that I keep the door closed, right now it makes me too sad to go in there.

When we first found out I was pregnant with you I told your aunt Ashley.  I put her hand on my stomach and said, "Baby." I kept telling her that she was going to be an aunt and that there was a baby in my stomach.  Ill never forget the Sunday before we met you we were babysitting aunt Ashley and I told her that I couldn't wait to meet you and I put her hand on my stomach.  She smiled at me.  I wonder now if she knew that you were an angel just like her.

Baby, I wish so much I could hold you again.  I hope you are not mad at me that I was scared to hold you after you were born.  I didn't think Id be strong enough to say hello and have to say goodbye only a few hours later.  Baby, saying goodbye to you was the hardest thing I have ever done.  If I could have died so you could live I would have.  The night before you were born, I prayed that God would take me and let you live.  I knew it wasn't His will, but I still prayed.  I didn't know how I'd go on without you.  It hasn't been easy, but as you can see I have been trying.  From the moment we found out I was pregnant with you I prayed every night for May 31st to come fast and that you would be born healthy and happy.  Now I don't know what to pray for, but most nights I ask God for the strength to see me through another day.

Sweetheart, I promise when my work on Earth is through I will hold you in Heaven.  And once I hold you I will never ever let you go.  Until then, please listen to God and do what He says.  He is the boss you know.  Please make sure you hold His hand and look both ways before you cross the street.  Please say hi to your great grand parents up there.  Your grandma also has 2 angel babies up there too.  I will look for you every night in the stars...I always imagine you looking down at me.  Baby, I love you so much.  Please never ever forget that.  I love you.

Love,
Mommy

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