I cannot believe that I go back to work tomorrow. It doesnt seem possible that I've actually been off for 6 weeks. I cannot believe that it's been over 6 weeks since I held Bristol in my arms. That it's been over 6 weeks since we had to say goodbye. It still doesnt seem real. Sometimes I think I still feel her inside me. It seems like every morning when I wake up, Im happy for a moment thinking that I'm still pregnant and Bristol is still with us. When I realize that she is gone it hurts all over again.
I remember when we were in the hospital that I just wanted to be home, that the yellow walls of the hospital room just seemed so cold. I remember thinking that eveything will be all right once I get home. It's funny, cuz now I feel that there is a strange saftey that comes with that cold hospital room...a safety that allows me to hide from the real world just a little bit longer. A world that seems so unfriendly and uncaring to the infertile and pregnancy loss community. At least while Ive been at home Ive been able to avoid the pregnant women and screaming babies. It's harder to avoid them when you work at a retail store. To be honest, Im worried about what my co-workers will say and do. They are all very nice and caring, but the thought of them being uncomfortable around me, not knowing what to say....that uncomfortable scilence when they dont know what to say to me. I'm debating between wearing no make up or just bringing additional makeup so that I can reapply it after each crying session.
I'm trying to look at the positive....I love my job and it will keep me occupied. Not that my blog, facebook, pintrest, netflix, naping, and my dogs havent done a good job of that in the past 6 weeks...but still.
I feel funny saying this, but Im really gonna miss my dogs. Sandy, the wheaton terrier has been amazing. She has hardly left my side since we've been home from the hosptial. I feel like everything she does she just wants to make sure Im ok. And frequently she makes me smile with her actions or barking. Sometimes its like she barks just to make me smile.
Well, I must go...the dogs need to eat and I must get ready for tomorrow. I dont think Ive ever been so nervous about going to work.......