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Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Guilt

Today I have been plagued with a terrible thought.....I never kissed my baby.

From the moment we found out that Bristol was gone I was terrified to see her.  I didn't know what she was gonna look like.  I didn't know if I could handle it....if I would break her...if I could look at her and know that my body failed her.  Honestly, if it wasn't for my husband I probably wouldn't have seen her let alone held her.  But I was so afraid during the entire experience that I didn't think about all the things I should.....I wanted to keep her in the blanket cuz I didn't know if I could handle looking at her.  I regret that so much now.  I should have looked at her feet, I should have held her hand, I should have kissed my baby.....what kind of mom doesnt kiss her own baby???

I've read that its normal to feel guilty.  Especially for a mom...when there are problems getting pregnant, when the baby has birth defects, if you don't already have a healthy child....all those things can magnify the feelings of responsibility.  Sometimes I cannot help but feel like my body failed me and I failed my daughter.

I should have been able to protect her...

And I should have kissed her hello and goodbye.....

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