I've come to the conclusion this week that people shouldnt ask a question unless they really want to know the answer. Think about it...how many times in a day do you say to someone in passing, "How are you?" And most people give a simple and polite, "Im Fine. Thanks." Today, after a particularly rough hour I was helping this nice older gentleman. When he walked up to my register I greeted him with, "Hi. How are you today?" To which he replied, "Im good, how about you." Well, I couldnt really givehim the honest answer (which was that I was having a terrible day and I really just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry) so I said, "I'm ok. Thank you." Then he asked, "Why only ok?" Again, I was sure he didnt want an honest answer so I repliled, "You know, I've decided over the past few days that people shouldnt really ask questions unless they are prepared for the honest answers." He laughed at that and told me a story about one time when his boss asked him a similar question to which he gave an honest answer and his boss was caught completly off guard. We laughed about it and he told me that he hoped my day would get better. It was nice...but then when he walked away reality hit again....
Well, I've officially been back to work for 3 days now and I can proudly say that I've made it through all 3 days. I dont really know what I was expecting work to be like (I've been there 7.5 years so you'd think I'd know what to expect) but its deffinitly not what I thought it would be. Walking into the building for the first time wasnt as hard as I thought it would be, though I was struck by the ordinariness of it all. The first manager that I saw was our one female manager, and all she had to do was say hi to me and I started crying. I knew then that it was going to be a long day. The next manager that I saw was the same manager that I spoke with when we first found out that Bristol no longer had a heartbeat. He said hi and that it was nice to have me back but that was about it. It took a few minutes to load up the computer, and when I did I was surprised to find out that I only had 214 new emails. For being gone almost 7 weeks that wasnt bad. My store manager came in a few minutes later (he came in early just to meet with me as he wasnt actually scheduled till later that day). He gave me a hug and pulled me into his office for a few minutes for a "debriefing".
I was hoping to be in my office before staff started to arrive for the day, that would give me a few minutes to get comfortable before I had to see more people. A little while later my work spouse arrived (I work with her about 10-15 hours a week and we joke that I see her more than my husband). She brought me flowers and gave me a hug. She is one of the most thoughtful people I've ever met and knowing she would be there for my first day back helped. Over the course of the next few hours I saw a few more people. No one else really even said anything that acknowledged my loss. Around noon I went up to the registers to back up the cashiers (we were getting busy with the lunch rush) and was completley blindsided by the one cashier who was pregnant. I didnt know she was pregnant before I left (she was only about 12 weeks then) and now not only did I know she was pregnant, but I could clearly see it. Now, up until that moment, I believed that infertility had prepared me for the jealousness and bitterness that I would feel when seeing pregnant people. Wow, was I wrong. The wierd thing is, it wasnt really jealousy or bitterness that I was feeling...it was more just overwhelming sadness. I miss my baby so much and I just dont have words for the heart wrenching sadness that over come me when I thought about the fact that her baby was alive inside of her and mine was gone, my belly empty, with my baby's ashes in a pendant around my neck. Yup, I lasted about 3 customers before I walked as fast as possible to the bathroom to cry.
Yup, Im getting really good at sobbing in silence. I mean, its not like I have much of a choice, I can sob normally in a public restroom at work. And the office has windows and I dont need people to see me like that. It's totally random the thins that make me cry too. The thought that last time I was standing at the register I couldnt reach well cuz my belly was in the way, the last time I sold a stroller I was thinking about buying my own, the fact that 3 days after our biggest sale of the year is over should be my due date....I could go on but Im sure you get the point. It just sucks!!! I thought I was doing pretty good today, I had made it the first 3.5 hours without a breakdown, but then the girl who is due 2 weeks before me came in. She had a nice large bump....oh what I wouldnt give to have my baby back with me. It just doesnt seem fair...how can so many ladies around me get pregnant without even trying and get to keep their babies while it took us 2.5 years to even get pregnant and then our baby died???
Yup...Im getting good at sobbing in silence. And wearing my sunglasses inside. I wonder how long I can use the excuse that I just have something in my eye. And if the cashiers were really paying attention they'd notice that I went to the ladies room 3 times in an hour and each time I came back my eyes were red. Yup...I should invest in klennex!!!!