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Monday, March 19, 2012

Our New Reality

"There isn't a word or a sentence in the English language that can take away the kind of pain that they are dealing with..."

As we pulled away from the hospital the normal-ness of the day struck me, it seemed like a standard Saturday evening.  We were in a college town and everywhere I looked there were people out on the town.  I just didn't understand how everyone could be out enjoying their day when my life felt like it was crumbling down around me.

Our first stop after leaving the hospital was to the pet store (yes, I know a pet store is not a place to buy a dog, but we were desperate).  We looked all around and held a bunch of cute puppies.  Now, had it been up to my husband we would have come home with at least one new puppy.  I however, just wanted to get home, hug my puppies (who had now been home without much supervision or someone to give them love for about 72 hours), take a shower, and crawl into my bed with Brian and sob.  We decided it would be best to wait a little while before buying another dog.

Our second stop was to Meijer (a grocery store).  We needed to buy a few things and figured some junk food might help.  I was still in a lot of pain and having trouble walking so Brian decided that I needed to use one of those motorized scooters that they have available for customers to use.  Well, I hadn't ever driven one of those things before and it took some getting used to.  I think I almost crashed about 4 times.  We must have looked like a strange couple could tell we had both been crying and hadn't slept much and every minute or two something new would elicit a crying response from me.  We ended up buying mint Oreos (my choice), white cheddar cheese popcorn (my choice), fig nutons (Brian's choice), Ritz Crackers the reduced fat kind (Brian's choice) with spray cheese in a can, and about $100 dollars in additional junk food.  Ohh, and we also had to buy the Lord of the Rings trilogy on blue ray (Brian's choice).  We also stopped and bought McDonalds on the way home for dinner.

On the rest of the way home we talked...Brian told me that he wanted me to remember that her room was still there, still decorated in pink with everything that we had already bought for her waiting there in anxious anticipation of the day we would finally bring her home.  He had closed the door when he had been home earlier that day and he also told me that we didn't have to open that door until I was ready to. I think that was when it hit me....this beautiful baby that we had been praying and hoping and wish for would never see her room that we had been working so hard on for so many months.  The crying started again...

When we finally got home that evening and I walked in the door the first thing that I noticed was that my house looked exactly how I left it about 72 hours earlier.  It felt strange because our world had been turned upside down but everything else around us continued on as if nothing had even happened.  I went downstairs to get my dogs...I don't think I have ever been so happy to see them before.  They licked me and loved me up....I do love our dogs.

After a few phones calls to our parents to let them know we made it home ok, we sat down to eat our dinner.  It was almost like any other night, we sat each at our normal seat and turned on the tv to watch Kitchen Nightmares.  We only watched for a few minutes though, as soon as we were done eating we went to bed.  We were both so tired that I think we were asleep within a few minutes.....

You know its weird....the entire time we were in the hospital I just kept praying that it would all be over soon so we could go home.  I desperately wanted to go back home to my own house with my own bed...but once we got home it hit me, this is our new reality.  We are not pregnant any more.  Our baby was gone.  We are going to have to start all over again...more blood draws, more tests, more 6am dr appointments before work, more getting my hopes up if my period is even 5 minutes late and then more crying when my period shows up a few days late.  I thought we were past this.  I thought we were finally going to be a family with a mommy, daddy, and baby...Wow, was I wrong.  At that moment, all I wanted to do was be back in that hospital room where I didn't have to face the reality of the situation.  I HATE MY NEW LIFE!!!

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