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Monday, March 26, 2012

On My Own

Wednesday was Brian's first day back at work.  I set my alarm early and got up and made him a coffee for him to take.  Then I crawled back in to bed and held him close.  I didn't want to let him go.  It was a weird feeling, I was afraid he wasn't going to come back.  I watched as he got dressed and tried to hide my tears from was going to be a long day without him.  I walked him downstairs and held him tight before he left.  Then I watched from the window as he drove off.  I went back to bed, turned on an episode of Law and Order SVU and cried myself back to sleep.

I woke up about 10:30am when the phone rang.  It was Brian.  He was on his way to a clients house and he was calling to see how I was doing.  He was super sweet.  He was really worried about me being home alone after everything that happened so I think he called me every chance he got.  He called me again about 11:30am, again about 1:30pm, again about 3:30pm, again around 5:30pm, and then on his way home at 6pm.  I don't think Ive ever talked to my husband on a work day that much.  I think that was the first time I smiled in almost a week...when he called me the last time and told me he loved me.  

I felt terrible for him that he works in a small business where everyone else there has a kid under the age of 2.  It must have been really hard for him to walk into the office where everyone has baby pictures on their desk.  And Im sure that at lunch thats what everyone talks about (which is understandable but has to be really hard for my husband).  He's an amazing man though, he has been going through that for years and he doesn't talk about it much at home cuz he knows how hard it would be for me to hear...that must be a tough burden to bear on his own.  

Speaking of work, I think I should digress for a moment.  I would like to say that my employer and my coworkers have been super amazing.  The day after we got home from the hospital we had a meeting that everyone was required to be at...about 5 minutes after the meeting was over I got a text message from my boss, it was a video message from the entire staff saying, "We love you." to me.  Yup, it made me cry.  And then the next day I got another text from my boss asking me what I would like them to say to the staff members who ask questions about what happened to me.  I told him that he could tell them the truth, that our daughter was stillborn.  He called me almost right away because he wanted to talk to me, but I let it go to voicemail.  He left me the voicemail almost a month ago and I still have it saved on my phone because it really made me feel like a lot of people cared.  In the voicemail his voice is shaking and you can tell he is upset.  He says that he doesn't know what to say but he is really sad for us.  He said that a lot of people care and wish they could give us a big hug.  He also said that he wished he could give us a big hug too.  He ended it by saying that I could call him at any time if I ever needed to talk.  I called him back a while later.  I think we talked for about 20 minutes...I don't think I've ever cried while on the phone with my boss before.  I told him everything that had happened and about how we got to hold her and that we had her baptized.  He asked me if we had a name for her and I told her we did.  We cried together for a few minutes.  I feel really blessed to work for a company that really cares about its employees.  

I spent most of that first Wednesday in bed.  I think it wasn't till Brian's call at 5:30pm that I was finally out of bed.  When he came home from work that day he had purchased a new light for our kitchen (something he'd wanted to do for a while).  He was excited but I was skeptical...the light looked really nice and would match our other ones but what he said would be a "30 minute project" usually turned into at least an hour....we always encounter some random problem that should exist but it does.  I told him I was timing him this time and I wasn't helping cuz that would be cheating.  I set the timer and then I watched.  It only ended up taking about 34 minutes...and then we had a good laugh.  Yup, guys grieve different than women.  But the light looks nice.

I started doing a lot of reading the day we got home from the hospital.  I've read Heaven is for Real, Tender Fingerprints, Ill Hold You in Heaven, and Grieving the Child I Never Knew.  They are all religious type books and they have helped me a lot.  Though I must admit, sometimes I am mad at God.  But Im working through it...and I felt a lot better once the deacon at the hospital told me it was ok to be mad at Him.  I try to pray but sometimes its harder than others, though I think God understands.  The prayer that I found in the book, Grieving the Child I never Knew has been the closest to home...

"God, my arms are empty.  I have nothing to show for my loss and it seems so unfair.  I didn't expect things to turn out this way.  You could have saved my child but you didn't.  You are the One who understands and sees the big picture, even if I don't.  Please take my cup of suffering and walk with me through my pain.  Wrap your arms of understanding and comfort around me.  Fill my empty arms with Your hope and salvation.  Amen."

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