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Saturday, March 17, 2012

Our Decent into Hell

February 23rd started out like any other alarm went off, I got up, got dressed and put some make up on, took the dogs out.....I didn't realize that our world was going to come to a screeching halt in just a few hours.....

Our doctors appointment was at 10am so we stopped at Panera Bread for breakfast on our way.  I was worried for the appointment (the baby had so many problems that I knew not to take anything for granted) that I couldn't even eat my entire croissant. 

We got to the hospital about 20 minutes early and the wait for them to call us in for the ultrasound was excruciating.  My husband read his book while I played games on my phone.  We kept looking at each other and wondering how much longer it was gonna be.  Finally, about 10 minutes after our scheduled appointment time they called us in.  The US tech lead us back to a room and got us ready.  When she went to spray the jelly on my stomach the bottle somehow got it all over including my pants.....

She started taking a few measurements.  My husband and I knew right away that something was wrong as ever since 8 weeks we could always see her heart beating strongly and this time there was no heartbeat.  The US tech then said the hardest words I have ever heard, "I am going to get the doctor.  There is no heart beat."  

Welcome to HELL....

I screamed and sobbed while my  husband held me.  I felt the the walls in that room were closing in on us.  I just wanted to run from that room.  It seemed like it took a while for the doctor to come back.  And when she did the first words out of her mouth were, "Im sorry for your loss."  I couldn't even comprehend those words.  My loss?!?!?!?  I was still trying to digest the fact that our baby had died.  

They gave us the option of going home and waiting for labor to happen naturally or to be admitted to the hospital and then have labor induced.  I didn't want to go home....I wanted to get this process started cuz I just wanted it to be over with.  I wanted to run from the hospital screaming and it took a lot of strength not to run away.  Not that I really had an option, but still.  

They took us to an office room where we were able to use the hospital phone (we didn't get any cell phone service at that part of the hospital) to call our parents, my best friend, and our employers.  Those were some pretty hard calls to make....telling my mom that our baby had died....I felt like I had failed....failed my daughter, failed my husband, failed our families.....failed everyone who had hoped and prayed for this baby right along with us.

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