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Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Im Still Weird.....

I wrote before about infertility turning me into a nut...I think I have become even more nutty since we lost Bristol.  I've noticed I cry a lot more...which is normal (whatever normal means anyway), but now I cry at totally random times that I would never expect to cry.  When I walked into Meijer for the first time and there was a big bulk stack of diapers in the middle of the cleaning isle....when I went to grab carry our for dinner one night cuz the place that I was going to was right next to my work and the last time I was there was when I was pregnant...when the weather got warmer and I kept thinking that our daughter was supposed to be born once it got warm out...and when I go to my mail box and find advertisements for baby stuff.  So yesterday, I went to check the mail and our new neighbor (that I have not met yet) was walking to her box (which is right next to mine).  I opened my box and grabbed the mail.  As I stood there going through it I saw an advertisement for a baby store and one for a cord blood banking service....I started to cry.  What I way to meet my new neighbors, huh???  Luckily I don't think she noticed.  Then today...I thought I was safe when it was just a bunch of advertisements to make me cry.  Then I saw it...a card from my OB's office (the first office, not the high risk one, and they knew Bristol was born with wings cuz the NP had called me to see how I was doing and I told her what had happened).  I opened it up and there was a nice letter from the NP and it was signed by her and the doctors.  There was also a beautiful charm with two small babies feet and the following poem...

An Angel never dies!

Don't let them say i was never born,
that something stopped my heart,
i felt each tender squeeze you gave,
i loved you from the start,
although my body you can't hold,
it doesnt mean im gone,
this world was worthy not of me,
God chose that i move on,
i know the pain that drowns your soul,
what you are forced to face,
you have my word, i'll fill your arms,
someday we will embrace,
you'll hear that it was 'meant to be,
God doesn't make mistakes, '
but that wont soften your worst blow,
or make your heart not ache,
i'm watching over all you do,
believe me when i say to you,
that i am always there,
there will come a time i promise you,
when you will hold my hand,
stroke my face, and kiss my lips,
and you'll understand,
although i've never breathed your air,
or gazed into your eyes,
that doens't mean i never 'was, '
An Angel never dies! ! ! 
Emma Jane Rae
Yup...I cried when I got the mail today too!!!

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