A Feather's Story

"Last Thursday, June 21st was DH's 29th birthday.  We woke up early so that we could go get his drivers license renewed.  I woke up with terrible cramps and AF in full force.  I called my doctors office to let them know that AF had showed up marking the 21st as Day One of this cycle, what was to be our 4th IUI.  When I spoke with my nurse she told me to come in the next day for blood work and an ultrasound.  So DH and I went on about our day.

We got to the secretary of states office about 30 minutes after they opened.  We took a number, we were number 29...they were on number 6...it was sure to be a long day.  We sat there talking and playing on our phones.  We decided that after we left we were going to go to the scooter store so DH could look at scooters.  After about 20 minutes they finally called number 29.

On our way to the scooter shop we were passing a Chrysler dealership and we stopped and pulled in.  Long story short, we fell in love with a 2012 Dodge Journey and we bought it.  As we left DH said to me, "Well, now you have your SUV is there anything else I can get you?"  To which I replied, "Well, the only other thing I want I have to get at the RE's office so hopefully we will get that next month."  On the way home we stopped at the gas station (apparently only Ford now delivers cars with a full tank of gas) and, after a day of rain and sun, I looked at the sky and there was a double rainbow.

" When feathers appear, angels are near."

I woke up at 5am on the 22nd cuz I had to be at the RE's office between 6:30am-7:30am.  I got up and got ready.  Just before I left I took the dogs outside.  Sitting on the railing of our deck was a perfect feather.  It completely took me for surprise, we don't normally see feathers let alone one set so perfectly that it looked like it was put there just for me.  I honestly believe that it was Bristol telling me that its ok to start TTC again and that she will be with us.  I don't think I have ever been so hopeful or felt such at peace since Bristol died as I did at that moment.  I cried all the way to the RE's office...

So I get to the RE's office and I sit and wait for a few minutes.  They call me back for blood work and then they send me into a room for the wand ultrasound.  **Side note, am I the only one who feels the need to tuck my underwear into my pants so that the DR doesn't see them???  And why does it even matter, especially when she's about to have an up close look at my lady bits???  The ultrasound went fine and the DR said that everything looked good, that I had a corpus leutium on my right ovary and that is where I ovulated from last month, and that I have a beautiful uterus.  I just think its funny when she compliments my uterus.  She told me that they'd call me in a few hours with the results of my blood work and what dosage to start with at the Follitism.

A few hours later I got a message from the nurse at the RE's office asking me to call her back.  So I called her back and left her a message and we played phone tag for about half an hour.  When I finally got to talk to her this is what she said, "Well your progesterone was elevated to 6 so we ran a beta test and your beta is 23.18...you are pregnant."  I said, "What???  I don't understand.  I started my period yesterday.  Im still bleeding and having cramps." She said, "Well, is it possible you could be pregnant?"  I said, "No, I don't think so.  Im on my period and we need a DR to get pregnant."  Finally she asks, "Well, did you have sex at all this month?"  To which I replied, yes...we had sex a lot, especially around the time of ovulation.  She said that they wanted me to come back on Sunday for more blood work.  I hung up with her and my head was spinning.  I had no idea what to say, do, or think.  I called DH (luckily he was able to answer) to which I said, "You will never in a million billon years guess what the RE's office just told me."  (apparently I underestimated his ability to guess) He said, "You are pregnant."

We went back to the RE's office on Sunday for additional blood work.  My beta went up to 36.97.  I also started Heparin injections twice a day on Sunday.  When I went back on Tuesday for blood work my beta had increased to 56.  Beta levels are supposed to double every 48-72 hours.  Mine appear to be doubling about every 72 hours (thats what they did last time too).  I go back on Monday for another ultrasound and blood work.  Im praying my number go way up as they are kinda low right now.  Im trying my hardest not to worry but Id be lying if I said I wasn't terrified of a miscarriage, a chemical pregnancy, and an ectopic pregnancy.

I am trying to be positive this time and I start everyday by saying, "Today I am pregnant and I am going to enjoy every moment I have with my little one."


*****IF YOU ARE READING THIS PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS IS STILL A FB SECRET SO PLEASE DONT POST ANYTHING ON MY DIRECT FB PAGE.******

Time Marches On

I've always been a big country music fan, though Ill admit I haven't listened to it much since Bristol died, but Im reminded of a song by Tracy Lawrence called Time Marches On....."The South moves North the North moves South a star is born a star burns out
The only thing that stays the same is everything changes everything changes."


I was reading a post on FB the other day and someone had said that it had only been 3 weeks since their miscarriage but the pain (emotional) felt just as strong as it did the first day.  They asked for advice on when it would stop hurting as much.  Though I don't think there is a time frame like as to the pain and grief that happens from a loss her question made me think for a moment, how many weeks had it been since I lost Bristol???  I sat there and thought about that long and hard and then it occurred to me that I didn't actually know how many weeks it had been.  Then I started to think....after a loss you first measure it by days, then by weeks, eventually by months and then years.  I don't believe I can't tell you exactly how many weeks its been since we lost our daughter.  But I can tell you that this Sunday June 24th it will be 4 months since we lost her.  Ironically it will also be the day after our 6 year wedding anniversary.  


I can't really explain it, and there is definitely not a time table for grief, but eventually life does become normal again.  Granted, its not the same normal as you remember it to be, but its "normal" just the same.  I go to work every day (and most days I actually make it through the day without hiding in the bathroom and crying), I cook dinner (which I still don't like doing...lol), I still have to clean the house (though its never really dirty anyway, DH and I are kinda anal about that), and I still watch the same TV shows (though they did cancel House which Im kinda upset about).  The day is littered (in a good way) with thoughts of Bristol.  I still don't think a minute goes by that I don't think of her...I miss her so much!!!  I would give anything to have her with us again....


Baby I love you!!!!

Father's Day

Today should be my husbands first Father's Day with Bristol.  Instead we will be spending it alone, wishing that she could be here with us today.  I bought DH a hand made care from the UK (I was unable to locate a Fathers Day Card that said, Happy Father's Day from Heaven here in the US, remind me to contact Mr. Hallmark himself and have a word with him) that I will be giving him today.  I wish I had more to give him, but a card and the prayer below are all I have......I love you my sweets.  And Happy Father's Day to the most wonderful man in the entire world.  I am sure that Bristol is sending you love from Heaven today!!!


Our Father…Who art in Heaven
I come to you with a heavy heart today
I know you know…but I have lost my child
And am feeling like I have lost my way.


People seem to think I am so strong
I am not invincible…I am not superman.
I am just a grieving Father…missing my child
And could use a friendly helping hand.


I have always been the typical fixer-upper type of Dad
I could fix anything…ever since I was ten
But I cannot fix the clock of time.
Please God, can you help me wind it up again?


Please bless all the grieving Fathers
Each hour throughout this day
With the strength to keep moving ahead
Even one baby step at a time…would be okay.


Please bless all grieving Fathers
Each day throughout this week
And guide them on their journey of grief
As the meaning of life they do seek.


Please bless all grieving Fathers
Each week this whole month through
With memories to last a lifetime
And understanding friends to turn to.


Please bless all grieving Fathers
Each month throughout this year
With hugs to comfort…in our time of need
And people to realize…our grief just doesn't disappear.


Please bless all grieving Fathers
Each Year until the end of time
With faith in You…to see us through
From sunrise to sunset…for our whole lifetime.


Please God bless all grieving Fathers
Each day throughout this year
As seasons change
And time unfolds
Day by day
Month by month
Year by year
And especially today… on this Father's Day.
Amen

Sadness

So, I just feel lost right now....


One of my two best friends just told me that she is 11 weeks pregnant.  I know I should be happy for her but I just can't.  I feel like it makes me a bad person, but this will be her second child (her first will be turning 2 in July) and they didn't start ttc until six months after we did.  It just doesn't seem fair, they were not trying, this pregnancy was a accident.  Maybe its cuz of the IF that we have had to go but I just don't understand how "accidents" are possible.  Personally, I don't understand how the world population continues to increase with the amount of people who suffer through infertility and pregnancy loss.  But apparently its possible.....I miss our baby...


A friend who has also suffered from a loss sent me the following today, I think this is whats keeping me going..."You are a very strong woman, stronger than you know and your experiences I'm sure give hope and healing to other women. You and Brian are very special people, and even though we don't know each other very well I hope we can come to."

About Me

Well, Saturday June 9th marked the 3 year mark of TTC.  It seems so weird to me that days that hold special meaning to some people are just standard days to other people...there is a song that I used to listen to back in high school (more than 13 years ago) from a Beethoven movie that starts out, "Just an ordinary day, started out the same ole way..." and I always think of that song when a day that holds so much meaning to me is just a standard day to other people...

Enough of sad talk for the day....Im gonna go off on a random tangent on random things about me that make me who I am.

~I am terrified of spiders (I thought I saw one crawl across the screen of our tv last night and then I spent like 20 minutes looking for it).
~Im pretty sure my house is haunted....random weird things happen here with no explanation and the previous owner actually killed himself in the garage (we didn't know that when we bought the house).
~I love scary movies but I would never live on Elm Street or near Crystal Lake.
~I have this totally random fear that a snake will creep up into my toilet and bite me while Im sitting down so I look under the seat before I sit down.
~If I ever go into a bathroom where the shower has a curtain, I look behind the curtain before doing anything else.
~Im pretty sure our Soft Coated Wheaten terrier knows that Im sad because ever since we got home from the hospital after losing Bristol she doesn't leave my side much...and if she hears me crying she is at my side almost instantly.
~I love Winnie the Pooh, I was once told "I've seen people decorate a room with Winnie the Pooh, but never a whole house."
~I slept with my baby blanket (which was Winnie the Pooh) until I moved in with my husband....and Ive been sleeping with it again ever since we lost Bristol.
~I love Taco Bell and eat there more than I should.
~I am the middle child of 5 kids (4 girls and 1 boy) and my little sister is disabled.
~I hate going grocery shopping with a passion!!!
~I don't mind cooking if I have the time.
~If it was up to me Id unplug most everything before we left the house for the day (DH says that would be crazy and talks me out of it, though sometimes I do it without his knowledge).
~I didn't like coffee until 2 years ago when I was introduced to flavored creamer.
~I have two super amazing best friends.
~Im a very sarcastic person and some times people think Im mean because of it.
~When I was in high school I threw a crazy party one time when my parents were out of town, I didn't tell them about it until many years later.
~If I didn't marry my husband Id probably never have figured out how to use iTunes and every time my computer had a problem Id have to call out a service.
~I have no decorating skills whatsoever!!!  Every decoration in our house has been my husbands idea.  (And he has some pretty good ones)
~I hate outside work (which probably stems from the fact that my parents had a big yard with lots of trees and every years we had to rake all the leaves and the fact that I don't like bugs or worms).
~If it was up to me Id probably never eat lettuce again.
~I cannot stand it when people use incorrect grammar or the incorrect spelling of a word!!!

Ok, thats enough about me for now....I hope the rest of this week goes by fast.

All Clear

So on Wednesday I went back to the RE's office.  It was the first time Id been back there since we lost Bristol.  To my surprise, walking in the doors wasn't that hard.  It wasn't until they led me back into the room where an ultrasound machine was waiting that it hit me...the last time I was there Bristol was inside me and the last the I saw an ultrasound machine was when the dr was telling us that Bristol was gone.  Luckily by the time it hit me the nurse had left the room so I was able to fall to pieces alone.  

I didn't think it was going to be that long before the doctor came in to do the saline sonogram so I got undressed and sat on the table/bed thing (leaving my cell phone in my purse).  While Im waiting for the doctor to come in the room my mind started wondering some of the craziest things...is the doctor going to notice my toe nails???  Cuz the pedicure is starting to wear off and my nails looked terrible.  And what about my legs???  Is the doctor gonna care that I didn't shave my legs the night before???  And why is there a tooth brush next to the sink???  After what seemed like a long time without the doctor coming in I got up and got my cell phone....without anything to entertain me it was going to be a long wait and left to my own devices I think up some pretty weird things.  So I emailed back and forth with a friend for about 30 minutes before the doctor finally came in.

The saline sono hurt like hell.  I don't remember the HSG test hurting that much.  But according to our RE I have a "beautiful uterus."  While the doctor was preforming the test I was going over with her all of the information that I had and asking her opinion on a whole range of topics.  After the procedure was over I was given the all clear to start another IUI with injectable medication on our next cycle.  The dr said that she also wants me to be on an injectable blood thinner called Heprin once we get a positive beta test.  

So next cycle we will be starting over...hoping to tell our child all about the sister that they have in Heaven!!!