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Thursday, November 3, 2011

The Last Month Explained...

Ok, so I realize that its been over a month since my last post but we've been really busy and, like I said before, I dont have as much time to write as I would like. 

On September 22nd I got the call from my RE's office that I had been hoping for but never thought really would happen.  "Well, I have some good news for you."  I think at that point I stopped listening....or rather I couldnt take in anything else.  I think my end of the conversation went something like this, "Really???  Seriously???  Are you sure???"  It took me a few days to realize it was actually happening...I even went out to the store and bought some HPT's so I could see it for myself. 

We then went in for blood work and ultrasounds once a week for 4 weeks.  On the second ultrasound the dr (not my normal one, a sub) was looking for 2 different sacs and when he only saw one he "matter of factily" told me "it might be an early loss."  WTF????  I was an emotional wreck all day until the office called me with my blood work results and when I spoke to the nurse she told me not to worry that everything was all set.  I did voice my displeasure with the way the dr handeled evertyhing in the morning.  They made certain I would never see that doctor again. 

I cannot explain this though...it's like Im in some alternate reality where I am watching all of this stuff happen instead of actually expierencing it.  I thought I woud be automatically happy and excited when in reality all I feel is scared.  I am afraid to really tell anyone.  The few people I have told have told me to relax and enjoy this time.  What I would really like to know is how am I susposed to "relax" when every random ache or pain has me running to google?  Was my bath too hot?  Is this pain normal?  Why am I so cold?  What bout my boobs, are they susposed to feel this way? Ohh, and DH we are not having chicken for the next 9 months cuz it makes me sick (which is actually a benefit for him cuz he has been saying for months that we eat too much chicken). 

And there are not a ton of people that I can talk to either because I really feel like my friends who have had babies dont understand...it didnt take them 2.5 years to get pregnant nor did they have to go through years of tests and 2 failed IUI procedures before the 3rd one worked....

Every night before bed I make the same wish on a star and say the same prayer in hopes that come May 31st we will have a healthy baby in our arms.

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