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Friday, August 3, 2012

The First Freak Out

Well, its been exactly 1 week since our last dr appointment and I can officially say that I started freaking out today.  I don't think it originally started out as me freaking out, but thats how it ended.  It started this morning at 3:30am when I woke up from a nightmare that Jason Voorhies was chasing we around with a machete and I was trying to kill him but nothing was working (yup, sometimes my love for scary movies bites me in the butt).  I couldn't fall back asleep cuz I was too creeped out so I logged on to FB.  I had received a nice message from a FB friend whose daughter died last month of DWS at 14 months old.  She was congratulating us on our pregnancy and then she said something about her and her husband going to meet with a genetic counselor to discuss the chances of having another baby with DWS.  Well, that didn't make sense to me cuz we were told that while DWS was a genetic problem, it is not something that is passed from parent to child, its actually a mutation in a gene that occurs sporadically shortly after conception.  I don't know why, but I just kept thinking what if it happens again???  What if it actually is passed from parent to child and I'm responsible for making my child sick and thus responsible for why she died???  What if this child has it too???  What if this baby dies too??? What if he/she is disabled???  I know what its like caring for a handicapped child as my youngest sister is severely impaired, but will I be a good enough mom and able to fight for my child???  Then I started thinking about the fact that I am already showing...what if I lose this baby too and then everyone knows that my body fails my babies???  What will people say then???  What will they think of me???  What will my husband say knowing that Im responsible for our babies deaths???  Needless to say my mind has not been my friend today.  All of these what if questions but no real answers...this waiting game is gonna drive me nuts!!!  I am officially 10 weeks 1 day today so that means that in a little under 10 more weeks we should have a much better picture of this baby and if he/she is healthy.  I think if I can make it that far without going completely nuts that will be a significant accomplishment!!!  I talked to DH about this and I feel better now.  I also talked to my bff who is a dr who also helped to put my fears at ease.  But then when one fear is put to ease another one always creeps up...why am I not as sick as I was last time???  I'm sure freaking out is normal, especially with the amount of hormones going through my body.....This is gonna be a long 9 months....I just pray at the end that we are holding our health baby in our arms!!!

I must say though, that I do have an amazing husband.  He told me that the song What Makes You Beautiful by One Direction makes him think of me...that made me cry...

You're insecure, Dont know what for,
You're turning heads when you walk through the door,
Don't need make-up,
To cover up,
Being the way that you are is enough,

Everyone else in the room can see it,
Everyone else but you,

Baby you light up my world like nobody else,
The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed,
But when you smile at the ground it ain't hard to tell,
You don't know,
Oh oh,
You don't know you're beautiful,
If only you saw what I can see,
You'll understand why I want you so desperately,
Right now I'm looking at you and I can't believe,
You don't know,
Oh oh,
You don't know you're beautiful,
Oh oh,
That's what makes you beautiful

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