Graduation Day

“Congratulations! Today is your day.

You're off to Great Places!You're off and away!” 

I thought graduation days were supposed to come with a renewed sense of pride or happiness.  You are starting on a new journey in your life, one that should be filled with excitement.  Well, today we "graduated" from the reproductive endocrinologist to the high risk OB department of U of M hospital.  Well I am happy about making it this far, and I am grateful for every moment I have with this baby, I am in no way going to kid myself that we are "safe" yet.  No, I think I lost that "innocence" if you will on January 19th of this year when the NP came in to the room and told us at 21 weeks that there was something wrong with our baby.  And I lost that innocence again at 26 weeks when we were told our baby no longer had a heart beat.  

My heart smiled today though, when at our ultrasound, we saw our baby and its arms and legs moving.  It was moving around in there and almost looked like it was waving to us.  Some how its only the size of an olive but it has arms and legs and the ability to move.  It has a heart rate of 163bpm.  The dr kept calling "it" a him today, though she did say that its too early to tell.  I have a feeling, that this baby is a boy.  

We go to our first appointment at the high risk OB department at U of M on Friday.  Im kinda nervous.  I have only been back there twice since we lost Bristol.  And this time it will be different because we are pregnant.  

When we were going through our IF problems it aways seemed like pregnant women were smug to me, like they think they are superior and that nothing else mattered since they were pregnant.  Now, I feel that they are smug in a different way...in an almost naïveté way thinking that nothing could possibly go wrong with their pregnancy.  Oh to have that luxury, to think that nothing bad ever happens to pregnant people...that once you hit a certain point you are "safe."  Well, I know there is no safe time, and I will probably be worried till the moment I hold our baby in our arms.  And then probably until the day I die....baby mine, I love you!!!