CD38

Today is CD 38......otherwise known as Im late by 10 days but all pregnancy tests come back negative so where in the hell is AF???  Including this cycle, Ive had exactly 3 weird periods in my entire life.  One back in 10/08 when it just never showed up (I know the month and year because it was the same time as one of my best friends weddings), one in 6/11 (I know this because we were gonna do our first IUI that month but it had to be postponed cuz AF never showed up, and now this month.

Now I was never expecting to get pregnant with baby number 3 so fast so Im not disappointed (though personally Im kinda sick of shelling out money for those damn tests since they never work anyway).  But it does make me wonder if there is an under lying cause for our infertility.  Ive contemplated calling my RE to see whats going on, but I feel if I call them and say that I've had 3 weird cycles in my entire life and I think there may be something wrong with me they may think Im nuts.  It just makes me wonder....what if there really is an under lying cause of our infertility.  I mean the whole "Unexplained" thing is just annoying.  Its like a mystery with no ending.....and I hate that.  There should always be a reason behind everything!!!  And darn it I want to know what that reason is!!!!!

First Birthday as a mom....

My mom and I were talking yesterday about birthdays and how as you get older they just seem like another day.  However, (though Im sure not a single person realizes this) today is my first official birthday as a mom.  At least its the first one I actually feel like a mom for.  I mean in 2011 I was about 12 weeks pregnant with Bristol.  And in 2012 Id already given birth once and was 6 months pregnant with our second.  But 2013 is the first time I feel like a mom.....

Today DH got up with the little one and let me sleep until 8am.  He would have let me sleep longer but I don't sleep any more.  We then dropped my lo off at my parents house and went out to lunch.  He then took me to the fabulous bath store that I love and bought me some fancy soaps.  I love that store.  When I win the lotto I will buy everything from there.  He also got me two beautiful chocolate cupcakes.....the best gift ever.  I now must go and eat them.....for dinner!!!!  :)

I wish I would have.....

I wish I could write a letter to myself on the day we lost Bristol.  There are so many things I wish I could have done differently......

I wish I would have taken more pictures.  At the time pictures seemed like the most macabre thing in the world.  Why in the hell would I want pictures of my baby who was gone???  But now those 5 photos I have that the hospital nurses took are the only 5 photos I will ever have of my baby.  I wish I could have held her longer.  I guess I didn't realize that I really would never see her again.  I wish I would have kissed her instead of being too afraid to touch her.  I wish I would have studied every inch of her body.  I wish I would have told her just one more time that mommy loves her......

As I sit here and watch her brother play Im stuck with the feeling I have several times a day....if she was here he wouldn't be.  That is such an all encompassing thought that sometimes I cannot even grasp it...now, every night before we go to bed I tell her brother all about his guardian angel.

TTC Continues....

So when DH and I started TTC again I told myself that this was just going to be fun.  If it happened it happened and if not then thats ok too.  I wasn't going to make myself crazy charting my BBT every morning.  We were just gonna do the deed and see what happened.  Then, as the time for AF came close it occurred to me that I didn't even really know when she was supposed to show up.  So I bought an app to track her.....I think that was the beginning of the end.  Im now tracking my CM and days we do the deed too (sorry for the TMI).  Its scheduled sex again too....every other day during my peak times.  Yippie...."Oh sweets, I'm ovulating now so we need to get at it."  I can think of more exciting things to say to my spouse.  When I was 2 days late we tested.....I don't know what I was expecting.  But I must say I was a bit disappointed when the test was negative.

I think the effect IF has had on me as a person is here to stay.  I mean, it doesn't define me....but it has changed me.  I was talking to one of the ladies that I work with who was pregnant with her daughter the same time I was pregnant with Bristol and she mentioned that she wants another kid.  All of a sudden the green eyed monster in me came out (though I didn't let on).  And today she brought her daughter into work and I had a pause for a moment....her daughter is 19 months old.  Bristol was due 2 weeks before she was.  That should be Bristol.  But then it brings me to this thought which I cannot seem to wrap my head around....if she was here then our D wouldn't be.  She isn't gone forever though....she watches over us from up above and one day I will meet her again.  Until then, she is our guardian angel.