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Saturday, February 23, 2013

I love them both....

I wish I knew what the right words are to say exactly what Im thinking right now....I would think there should be some poetic words that just magically say everything I am thinking at this very minute (and I guess if I thought hard enough, I could probably find the right country music song or Dawson's Creek quote) but since I cant Ill just use my own words....

I feel like Im standing at a precipice....looking out over the past year and into the new year ago today Brian and I were told that our daughter was gone.  The hardest words we've ever had to hear, "Im sorry, I'm going to get the doctor.  There is no heartbeat."  One year ago tomorrow our daughter was born silently into this world...she had already earned her angel wings.  I miss her so....I've cried a lot today.  But its hard to even know what Im feeling because my thoughts are focused on our current see, Im sitting here waiting for our doctors office to call....we are going to the hospital tonight to be induced with Bristol's brother, who will hopefully be born tomorrow....2/24/13 exactly one year after his sister was born.  At first I didn't know how I would feel about that, about both of our children having the same birthday, but now I think it is perfect.  It fits the story (which is somehow my life).  I remember walking outside on June 22nd (the day between our anniversary and DH's birthday) and finding that perfect feather just waiting for if it was Bristol saying, "Mom, its ok.  I've got this one."  I think the only thing that could make today more perfect would be if when we left the house on our way to the hospital there was a beautiful perfect feather waiting for us on our porch.  I'm not holding out much hope on that one though....its the middle of winter and I haven't seen a bird in months.  

Truthfully, it still doesn't seem real.  After almost 4 years ttc and losing Bristol last be 39 weeks pregnant and getting ready to go meet our son for the first time....yea, I think Ill believe it when Im holding our son in my arms...or maybe once the contractions start and Im in pain.  I don't know.  DH thinks Im too calm, but it just seems surreal to me.  

On a side note, we had some professional photos taken last week and this one is my favorite.....

1 comment:

  1. Oh my! This made me cry. What an emotional time! I am thinking of you so much. My mom gave birth to my brother, Timmy, at full term, and she gave birth to him still. We never stop thinking of him. He is was 2 years older than I, I never knew him, but I still call my mom on his birthday.