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Friday, August 16, 2013

About my last post...

I was thinking about my last post the other night and I got to thinking....I really hope I didnt offend anyone.  I started this blog about two years ago as kind of a journal to myself....to get my thoughts and feelings down while going through IF treatment. It became my outlet when our daughter died.  And now...well, I dont get to write as much as Id like but its still my journal.

I dont know how else to describe it, but I feel like our IF journey and loosing our daughter changed me to my core.  During IF my thoughts focused on every pregnant chick and how I felt bitter towards them.  It derailed me as a woman when my body couldnt or wouldnt do the very thing that it was designed to do...and how does one continue to love ones self when your body wont do the very thing it was created to do.  And when we lost our daughter I felt like my body failed me yet again.  But this time it failed our daughter and my husband too.  And how do you even process that???  I mean my baby died in my stomach....the safest place in the world and my baby died!!!  And how can I help but not feel to blame for that???  I mean I understand that I didnt cause her to die....but I couldnt even protect her inside of me???  And how did I not know that she was gone???  I mean my baby dies in my stomach and I dont even have a clue?!?!?!?  What the hell kind of mom am I???  When Bristol died I held on to many quotes that kept me going in my darkest hour...I think the one that I repeated the most was, "eventually there will come a day that isnt as hard as the day before it."  I think the say we lost Bristol was the day my innocence died too.  Or at least my pregnancy innocence (my other innocence died way before that, but thats another story) died that day.  It's sad to say, and I dont think I will ever admit this to D, but I didnt enjoy a moment of my pregnancy with him.  I was too afraid of something going wrong...every twitch, every tingle....could be the last I'd ever feel my baby.

Anyway, I say all of that because I want to explain my last post...I've always been a very emotional person.  Our IF changed me.  Loosing Bristol changed me...made me cherish human life even more and put me on the edge....the edge of everything normal.  And having D has continued this trend......

I cry at random times....I am an IF survivor, a mother to an angel, and I am one of the lucky ones who gets to hold her rainbow!!!!

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