CD38

Today is CD 38......otherwise known as Im late by 10 days but all pregnancy tests come back negative so where in the hell is AF???  Including this cycle, Ive had exactly 3 weird periods in my entire life.  One back in 10/08 when it just never showed up (I know the month and year because it was the same time as one of my best friends weddings), one in 6/11 (I know this because we were gonna do our first IUI that month but it had to be postponed cuz AF never showed up, and now this month.

Now I was never expecting to get pregnant with baby number 3 so fast so Im not disappointed (though personally Im kinda sick of shelling out money for those damn tests since they never work anyway).  But it does make me wonder if there is an under lying cause for our infertility.  Ive contemplated calling my RE to see whats going on, but I feel if I call them and say that I've had 3 weird cycles in my entire life and I think there may be something wrong with me they may think Im nuts.  It just makes me wonder....what if there really is an under lying cause of our infertility.  I mean the whole "Unexplained" thing is just annoying.  Its like a mystery with no ending.....and I hate that.  There should always be a reason behind everything!!!  And darn it I want to know what that reason is!!!!!

First Birthday as a mom....

My mom and I were talking yesterday about birthdays and how as you get older they just seem like another day.  However, (though Im sure not a single person realizes this) today is my first official birthday as a mom.  At least its the first one I actually feel like a mom for.  I mean in 2011 I was about 12 weeks pregnant with Bristol.  And in 2012 Id already given birth once and was 6 months pregnant with our second.  But 2013 is the first time I feel like a mom.....

Today DH got up with the little one and let me sleep until 8am.  He would have let me sleep longer but I don't sleep any more.  We then dropped my lo off at my parents house and went out to lunch.  He then took me to the fabulous bath store that I love and bought me some fancy soaps.  I love that store.  When I win the lotto I will buy everything from there.  He also got me two beautiful chocolate cupcakes.....the best gift ever.  I now must go and eat them.....for dinner!!!!  :)

I wish I would have.....

I wish I could write a letter to myself on the day we lost Bristol.  There are so many things I wish I could have done differently......

I wish I would have taken more pictures.  At the time pictures seemed like the most macabre thing in the world.  Why in the hell would I want pictures of my baby who was gone???  But now those 5 photos I have that the hospital nurses took are the only 5 photos I will ever have of my baby.  I wish I could have held her longer.  I guess I didn't realize that I really would never see her again.  I wish I would have kissed her instead of being too afraid to touch her.  I wish I would have studied every inch of her body.  I wish I would have told her just one more time that mommy loves her......

As I sit here and watch her brother play Im stuck with the feeling I have several times a day....if she was here he wouldn't be.  That is such an all encompassing thought that sometimes I cannot even grasp it...now, every night before we go to bed I tell her brother all about his guardian angel.

TTC Continues....

So when DH and I started TTC again I told myself that this was just going to be fun.  If it happened it happened and if not then thats ok too.  I wasn't going to make myself crazy charting my BBT every morning.  We were just gonna do the deed and see what happened.  Then, as the time for AF came close it occurred to me that I didn't even really know when she was supposed to show up.  So I bought an app to track her.....I think that was the beginning of the end.  Im now tracking my CM and days we do the deed too (sorry for the TMI).  Its scheduled sex again too....every other day during my peak times.  Yippie...."Oh sweets, I'm ovulating now so we need to get at it."  I can think of more exciting things to say to my spouse.  When I was 2 days late we tested.....I don't know what I was expecting.  But I must say I was a bit disappointed when the test was negative.

I think the effect IF has had on me as a person is here to stay.  I mean, it doesn't define me....but it has changed me.  I was talking to one of the ladies that I work with who was pregnant with her daughter the same time I was pregnant with Bristol and she mentioned that she wants another kid.  All of a sudden the green eyed monster in me came out (though I didn't let on).  And today she brought her daughter into work and I had a pause for a moment....her daughter is 19 months old.  Bristol was due 2 weeks before she was.  That should be Bristol.  But then it brings me to this thought which I cannot seem to wrap my head around....if she was here then our D wouldn't be.  She isn't gone forever though....she watches over us from up above and one day I will meet her again.  Until then, she is our guardian angel.

October 15th 2013 ~ Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Today is October 15th....Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day here in the United States.  Its crazy when you think that one in four pregnancies will end without the birth of a healthy baby.  One in four....that number is beyond belief to me.  I am one of the lucky ones, our journey to become parents gave us our beautiful rainbow baby....but the pain of losing our daughter will never go away!!!  She came into the world silently on 2/24/12.  I never got to hear her cry, or look into her eyes and tell her I love her...she never got to say her first words or take her first steps......but through me she will live forever!!!  Bristol Grace I love you!!!  

“When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them. This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes.” -Ronald Reagan.

Some of you may know of the organization called Molly Bears, they make bears for parents who have lost a baby and the bears weigh the same amount that your baby weighed....well, our Bristol Grace bear arrived last week weighing 14.7oz just like our Bristol did...she is beautiful!!!

Starting Over

**We havent told anyone this and I dont know if or when we will (so clearly posting it online is a wonderful idea...lol) but Im feeling like talking about this...**

I come from a big family....I have 4 siblings.  DH comes from a complicated family but he has 3 half siblings.  Ive always dreamed of having 2 kids...but now I think three might be the magical number for us.  So two weeks ago DH and I started ttc again.  Or at least we stopped preventing......

When we lost Bristol I struggled wondering why God would create her only to know suffering and pain.  And I found comfort knowing that she was created in His image and that we are all perfect in His eyes.  God doesnt make mistakes.  So I am taking that approach to ttc again.  If He chooses it will happen.  If not, thats ok too.  Im terrified of loosing another baby.....but if I do I will hold on even tighter to our miracle lil one.

I was asked the other day if I would go back to our reproductive doctor if ttc doesnt work for us.  In short, Im not sure.  I am going to call them this week and schedule a time at the end of this cycle to go in for blood work and an ultrasound to make sure everything is all set to start ttc.  Should we get a positive test I will also probably seek their assistance in monitoring my progestrone levels for the first 8 weeks (they were low last time and I needed medication to help) and also for the heparin for the first 12 weeks.  But Im not sure if I will go back for treatment...it was so hard on my body and I dont know if I can do that again.  Plus, it posses another problem....who would watch the little one while we were at the doctor???  Because I know from personal experience that its not easy to see babies at an infertility clinic....its really hard and I do not want to put other patients in that place.  

Anyway....thats where Im standing now......

The Haunting Part 2

This blog started as my journey through infertility, transitioned to a blog about the loss of our daughter, then the emotions of our surprise pregnancy with our rainbow, and now....well, I dont have as much time to write as I would like and frequently when I do I suffer from writers block but I would like it to still focus on our journey....the ups and downs of my daily life (especially as it relates to our loss and infertility because those are two things that now define who I am as a person) with the occasional random post....this is one of those randoms posts :)

So we have a video baby monitor for my disabled sister who lives with us...well I just turned it on (I'm getting ready to go to bed) and there were these two floating orbs that were going from one side of her room to the other. It almost looked like a thin line of light that was going to them but the orbs were really bright. So I watched it on the monitor for a few minutes trying to figure out what it was. Then I brought the monitor down and showed my husband. He actually agreed with me that it was kinda creepy. We went down stairs to her room and she was sitting up in bed laughing....but we couldn't find a cause for this light nor could we see them with our bare eyes. So we tucked her into bed and left the room, I looked at the monitor and they were back, went from one side of the room to the other and were gone.....even Dh agreed it was creepy.