See You Again

I was on my way to work yesterday when all of a sudden I was blindsided by a song that just struck me...by the time the song was over I had tears rolling down my face....

Its called See You Again by Carrie Underwood and, if I could carry a tune in a bucket, I would sing this for Bristol....

She was born too...

Sometimes I feel like Im the only one who remembers that Bristol ever existed.  When we were pregnant with lil D my MIL made the comment on numerous occasions, "Just wait until you have to go through delivery, that will really hurt."  Each time she was corrected that I had already been through a vaginal delivery. and though our baby wasn't full term, it hurt like hell.  Well, earlier this week a "friend" of DH posted on FB that his wife was going to be induced on Friday.  DH commented that he hoped it was smooth and didn't take as long as our 48 hour induction.  To which he was meet with the following comment, "It can take longer for first time moms when they are induced," from his friends wife.  Really???  I mean I know you are a conceited SOB that I have never liked in my entire life, but considering you were a best man at our wedding (we had 2) you should be more conscientious about your comments.  Ohh, it still has me pissed off.

Plus, Im pretty certain that Im the only one who remembers that her EDD is coming up.  May 31st our first born was supposed to make her glorious entry into this world.  Instead the day makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry.  She should be turning one a week from today...plunging her open palms into chocolate birthday cake and making a glorified mess with a big grin on her face!!!

It's really weird because I am as happy as I have ever been with our rainbow baby but at the same time, Im as sad as ever because I miss Bristol.  I don't think any truer words have been spoken....


 "The beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn’t mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds."

Today's musings

I havent written as much as I would like to lately.....part due to being so busy and part due to writers block.  Ill start a post in my head thats usually inspired by a country music song or a particular topic being discussed on the news but by the time I get to a computer I've lost the thought.  Well, I am going to try to push through this one because I think it is important...

Have you ever been waiting for something so long that you build up this wonderful image in your head that is just perfect and then you set your standards so high that when it inevitably happens it isnt exactly how you pictured it???  I am not complaining about lil D....he is perfect and I feel blessed to be his mother!!!  Personally I think I enjoy it even more for our struggles....I even enjoy the middle of the night feedings.  What I wasnt expecting was this overwhelming feeling of missing Bristol even more than I did before D was born.  I didnt and I dont think of D as a replacement....I could never replace Bristol nor would I ever want to.  But I find my mind drifting more to her now then it did when I was pregnant.  When Im giving D a bottle or rocking him to sleep...I cant help but think that she should be turning one in a few weeks.  Or I wonder what her cry would have sounded like or what her smile would have looked like.  They have the same nose so I see some of her in him.  But it makes me miss her even more...I find I cry a lot easier now.

And I worry even more now...when the bombings in Boston happened I couldn't hold D tight enough.  To think that a little 8 year old was killed while he was watching his dad run a marathon.  And then my mind wanders....oh my goodness, he is gonna go to school one day and what happens if kids make fun of him?  Or one day he is gonna drive a car in the snow and what if he is in an accident???  And then he will go to prom.  And then college.  Or what if he wants to join our military???  I support our men and women in our armed forces more than I can say...and that is such an amazing sacrifice for ones country, but as a mom I am not ok with that.  And then he'll get married.  And what if his spouse doesn't like me?  Ill never see the grandkids.    

I think I should start the anti anxiety meds now before he goes to kindergarten :)

Nurses...

“Being a nurse means to hold all your own tears and start drawing smiles on people’s faces.”

We met a lot of people on our journey with Bristol, a few of them have even made a lasting impression on me.  One of those people is the nurse who met us after we were given the news that Bristol was gone.  We has just finished making all of our required calls to family and our respective jobs to let them know that Bristol had passed away and that I was going to be induced that day when a nurse came to take us to our room.  She introduced herself as nurse N and told us she would be our nurse for the day.  She seemed very nice but our world had just collapsed and I really wasnt paying attention to anyone or anything.  I didnt know what to expect....I was only 26 weeks and had never been through labor or delivery before.  I hadnt held a baby in years let alone one that had passed away and was only measuring at 21 weeks.  When we walked into the room, N sat with us for a while and talked with us about what to expect....she let us know that our daughter would become cold after we held her for a while.  That her skin would be dark because she was gone.  She told me that labor was going to hurt (though I figured no amount of physical pain could top the emotional pain I was in).  The situation was horrible and N did everything she could to help us through it.  I remember at the end of her shift N came to say goodbye...she told us that if we were still there two days later that she would be back and we could request her as our nurse again.  

And when we were still there Saturday morning we requested N to be our nurse again.  She was so wonderful.  The drs and nurses had pretty much left us alone that day, which was in stark contrast to the day before when people were in our room every few minutes.  Sometime around 3pm that day, after the guy from the funeral home left, DH and I were talking.  I told him how I felt like a failure....how, for years my body couldn't or wouldn't do what it was fundamentally designed to do and then once it did my body failed my baby.  What if this was my only chance to be a mom and I failed my baby???  I couldn't stop sobbing, though what I really wanted to do was wail.  When N came to check on me one time DH told her everything I was saying.  She told me that she understood what I was saying....and with tears in her eyes told me that at her age women are considered "advanced maternal age".  I knew at that point that her and her husband were battling infertility too.  She told me that anything I feel is normal....that I had every right to be as sad as I was....that one day DH would eventually get worried cuz I was still crying all the time and that it was ok as long as I was taking care of myself.  She told DH that he needed to watch me and watch out for postpartum depression....she said it was ok if I didnt want to do anything or get out of bed but if I started to neglect the dogs that was a warning sign that things were not ok.  

I will never forget the way she talked to me about postpartum care.  She said that we could not have sex for 6 weeks and that "no sex" meant didn't just mean actual sex but it meant no vibrator and no "digits" either.  I had no idea what she meant so I asked her...both DH and N laughed....apparently digits referred to fingers.  Seriously???  They really need to tell people that?!?!?!?  I will never forget that moment of levity as long as I live...a brief moment of laughter in a period that seemed like such a deep dark hole I would never escape from.  She also referred to my private parts as "lady bits" which is a term I have now stole from her because I HATE the word vagina.

I will never forget when we left the hospital on 2/25/12....N wheeled me out in a wheelchair to the car that DH has pulled up.  She gave me a hug and told me that she hoped she would see me again under different circumstances.

When we finally decided with our second pregnancy that we would be delivering at U of M I was really hoping that she was still there at that she would be our nurse.  I wanted to tell her how much she helped me.  When we were at the hospital I asked before every shift change if N was there and if she could be our nurse.  Though she was never able to be our nurse she did come in to say hi to us.  I gave her a huge hug.  I told her how much I thought of her over the past year and how her words had helped me in my grief.  I am where I am today, in part, because of her.  I hope I was able to convey my appreciation to her, but frankly I dont think there are enough words in the English language that can tell her how much she helped me.  

Nurse N, from the bottom of my heart THANK YOU!!!

Below is a link to a video entitled "Nurses Grieve Too:  Insights into Experiences with Perinatal Loss."  It is a wonderful video about the feelings that nurses feel while dealing with couples experiencing
 loss.

https://www.google.lk/search?q=normal+2007&hl=en&client=firefox-beta&tbo=d&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&channel=np&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=PCLmUL6VNcHHrQea8IDgBA&ved=0CAoQ_AUoAA&biw=1920&bih=938

One Month Old

**This post is baby related, so please feel free to skip it**

Wow, where has the time gone???  This past Monday, lil D turned one month old.  His one month check up was on Wednesday, and Im happy to say things are going well.  He has gained a few pounds and now officially weighs 10lbs.  He has also grown one inch and is now 22 inches long.  Though it doesnt sound like much, that one inch helps him fit into the 0-3 month clothes so much better.  He has reflux and is on medication for that.  He also has thrush, which is a yeast infection in the mouth, which is common in babies and is on medication for that.   We have found out that he is also lactose intolerant so he is on a soy formula instead of breastmilk.  That was hard...to feel like my body cannot provide the correct nutrients for my baby.  It felt like I was failing my baby all over again.  However, since he has started the soy formula he is much happier so that helps.  And Im happy to say that he even let me sleep for 5 straight hours last night.

I cannot believe how far I have come in just one year.  I mean last year at this time I was preparing to go back to work after losing Bristol.  And if you would have told me in one year Id be on leave with our second child I would have told you that you were crazy.  I am so thankful for him.  I think our miracle pregnancy just 11 weeks after losing Bristol helped me heal...I honestly believe that she is our guardian angel watching over us.  I tell lil D about his sister...about how much I love her and how she watches over us.  I want him to know her....

The other day DH and I were watching TV and I was holding my lil man...he grabbed hold of my necklace that holds Bristol's ashes and he held it for an hour.  My husband took this photo.....

I felt at that moment that all four of us were together.

Meet Little D

I have a lot to write about what has happened over the course of the last 9 days but at the moment I dont have much time...I do want to say that I am the luckiest woman in the world...

After 36 hours of labor...exactly One year, One Day, One hour, and 20 minutes after his sister was born with her wings, "Little D" was born into this world...I have never been more in love than I am with this little guy...2/25/13 at 8:10am.

I love them both....

I wish I knew what the right words are to say exactly what Im thinking right now....I would think there should be some poetic words that just magically say everything I am thinking at this very minute (and I guess if I thought hard enough, I could probably find the right country music song or Dawson's Creek quote) but since I cant Ill just use my own words....

I feel like Im standing at a precipice....looking out over the past year and into the new year......one year ago today Brian and I were told that our daughter was gone.  The hardest words we've ever had to hear, "Im sorry, I'm going to get the doctor.  There is no heartbeat."  One year ago tomorrow our daughter was born silently into this world...she had already earned her angel wings.  I miss her so....I've cried a lot today.  But its hard to even know what Im feeling because my thoughts are focused on our current pregnancy.....you see, Im sitting here waiting for our doctors office to call....we are going to the hospital tonight to be induced with Bristol's brother, who will hopefully be born tomorrow....2/24/13 exactly one year after his sister was born.  At first I didn't know how I would feel about that, about both of our children having the same birthday, but now I think it is perfect.  It fits the story (which is somehow my life).  I remember walking outside on June 22nd (the day between our anniversary and DH's birthday) and finding that perfect feather just waiting for me....as if it was Bristol saying, "Mom, its ok.  I've got this one."  I think the only thing that could make today more perfect would be if when we left the house on our way to the hospital there was a beautiful perfect feather waiting for us on our porch.  I'm not holding out much hope on that one though....its the middle of winter and I haven't seen a bird in months.  

Truthfully, it still doesn't seem real.  After almost 4 years ttc and losing Bristol last year....to be 39 weeks pregnant and getting ready to go meet our son for the first time....yea, I think Ill believe it when Im holding our son in my arms...or maybe once the contractions start and Im in pain.  I don't know.  DH thinks Im too calm, but it just seems surreal to me.  

On a side note, we had some professional photos taken last week and this one is my favorite.....